its all part of the plan...

why i like wednesdays...

2012-03-15T07:30:00.001-05:00

happy thursday friends!

i feel like i'm always in a good mood on thursday.

because i really like wednesdays...

for instance - yesterday i got a text from my brother saying

"i just want you do know that i was complimented on my camo shoes"

now - if you're thinking, camo shoes? what are those?

stop...because the better question should be WHO HAS THOSE?

the answer?

walmart in florida...

and my brother.

nice, right?

yeah........

and if you're wondering what that lovely inside of the shoe is?

yes, yes it is in fact some sort of fur.

inside the croc.

that is painted camo.

normal.

but hey - someone in st cloud liked them, so they MUST be legit.

and then i got to go to Edinbrook and hang out with the youth group.

i love it.

they are so fun :)

and i did a little recruiting for ALIVE...

(all you creative people aka actors, painters, dancers, writers, sound mixers, and/or video-ers...i WILL find you and i WILL make you do stuff. so it will just be easier on all of us if you just come to me...;) )

I also got to sit in on Mark’s message to the high schoolers…

which will lead to another post in the near future –

but he talked about how we can get so fired up about one man, Joseph Kony in particular, committing truly AWFUL acts – killing, kidnapping, hurting, deceiving - its so terrible and so its good that we can come together and work to fight against him. And the fact that he’s hurt around 30,000 children/people with his army is beyond heartbreaking.

And while not minimizing that at all – in fact, making it every bit as huge and important as we can –

because if THAT is huge, if hurting 30,000 people needlessly is awful…

how intensely devastating is it to realize that satan is hurting, deceiving, manipulating and attacking so many MILLIONS of people (children and adults alike) RIGHT NOW?

And I’ll stop there. or I will soon have a mile long post.

Like I said – it’ll be its own post in the near future. ;)

I can get more than a little passionate about the subject…

So ANYWAYS...:)

then we had some AWESOME worship time.

no one has a worship band and a worship time like this group.

we are so blessed.

and for the last 2 weeks and then one more after this -

Austin has been painting during worship.

and we told him to reign in his enthusiasm and really try to look like an "artist" in this photo

but clearly it didn't work.

(thanks to Amanda for her photography skills)

but such a cool thing to see art along with worship...

to see art AS worship.

i LOVE it.

and next week's gonna be the best yet!

and then i go to Malone's in maple grove for happy hour and i sit next to this LOVELY girl.

who will share her popcorn with certain other friends...

but not so much me.

its ok...

i don't need her popcorn anyways.

and then i come home and go to sleep.

and then i get up to go to work and look forward to ALIVE.

this week, however, i am taking the week off so i can celebrate my gorgeous, sweet and fun friend AMANDA getting old(er) ;)

so fun!

so i'm leaving the team in the very capable (?) hands of my fellow leaders...

i'm not SURE exactly what will be accomplished...

but i have a feeling it may look at lot like this.

yes they are being creative and working on productive things...

what else would we do at an ALIVE gathering?

if a person doesn't practice their marker launching skills - how will they EVER get really good at it???

so pray God shows up for them tonight and reveals Himself in a new, very exciting way :)

another reason i'm usually in a good mood on thursdays?

because the next day is friday!

woo woo!

and its just an added bonus that this weather is FREAKIN RIDICULOUS!

i love it so much!!!

if God wants to teach me thankfulness via gorgeous weather in March...

so be it.

have a beautiful day, friends!

- jillian

if we can't serve two masters...

2012-03-14T07:30:00.000-05:00

so i'll be very honest...

i have been very lazy about going to the gym lately.

and after so many months of being so disciplined -

i've slacked.

and just this morning i was so annoyed at myself for not doing what i know i should be...

so i shouldn't have been surprised when i was sitting on the bus and just felt this gnawing feeling that i should do some reading...in the Bible.

somehow i ended up in 1 corinthians 10.

and at first - it seemed random.

but then i kept reading.

"Now these things took place as examples for us, that we might not desire evil as they did. Do not be idolaters as some of them were; as it is written, “The people sat down to eat and drink and rose up to play.” We must not indulge in sexual immorality as some of them did, and twenty-three thousand fell in a single day. We must not put Christ to the test, as some of them did and were destroyed by serpents, nor grumble, as some of them did and were destroyed by the Destroyer. Now these things happened to them as an example, but they were written down for our instruction, on whom the end of the ages has come. Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall. No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry. I speak as to sensible people; judge for yourselves what I say....Consider the people of Israel: are not those who eat the sacrifices participants in the altar? What do I imply then? That food offered to idols is anything, or that an idol is anything? No, I imply that what pagans sacrifice they offer to demons and not to God. I do not want you to be participants with demons. You cannot drink the cup of the Lord and the cup of demons. You cannot partake of the table of the Lord and the table of demons. Shall we provoke the Lord to jealousy? Are we stronger than he?"

-- 1 corinthians 10: 6-22

ok -

you may be thinking,

"well thanks jillian for that incredibly uplifting scripture"

but here's what God showed me...

He showed me that i cannot have two masters.

an example?

i cannot please God and serve my own laziness at the same time.

i can't serve God in every other area of my life and then slack on my discipline,

just because i feel like it.

i can't tell God i'll do all these other things for Him -

but then eat things i know aren't good for me whenever i want.
i'm not saying this is everyone's battle or even something everyone struggles with,
but it just happens to be what i'm wrestling with right now.
i am willing to let God do so much- but I want to be in charge of that area of my life.
i tend to want to ignore God in that.

and as shallow as these things might seem - they affect my relationship with Him.
because its an area i'm keeping.
its an area i'm not doing what HE wants.

and God is trying to free me from anything that's holding me back...

from shame,

from guilt,

from frustration -

and He can only do so much if i refuse to listen.

if i don't let Him be THE master of my life.

in EVERY area.

there is NOTHING we can go through that will overtake us if we don't let it.

and though we will be tempted -

we will also be provided with a way of escape.

the question, then, is -

what are we going to do with that way of escape?

and who is our master?

because we can only have one.

only ONE is for us.

and since there's only one who is willing to grow us and love us and make sure we are never overtaken-

the same one who created us and saved us...

is there really much of a contest?

but its up to you -

for every decision,

every day.

so, just something to think about...

not just in theory or intention, but in ACTION -

who do YOU serve?

as for me...

i'm going to serve the Lord.

- jillian

a bleacher sitter & a rockstar

2012-03-13T08:00:00.000-05:00

when the schedule clears for the night...

i get to sit down and eat a normal, home-cooked dinner.

i get to change out of my work clothes and put on jeans and a sweatshirt (basically heaven).

and on an especially good night off -

i get to go to Northdale Middle School to watch the women's volleyball league playoffs.

why?

my rockstar sister plays with one of the teams...

she's basically famous.

which makes me basically famous.

but they were a fun team to watch...

they served basically the whole time...

literally - they played two games in a row and it lasted about 20 min.

from start to finish.

they won.

and so they move on...

get ready for next week!

i love watching my siblings play their sports.

they're both so good and its so fun seeing them in their element.

where they are having fun and being rockstars at the same time...

however...

while i sit and watch i sometimes wonder how

we all ended up looking at least a little bit alike...

we all get along and have pretty similar personalities...

and not that i would want us all to be exactly alike,

or that i don't love that i'm "creative"...

but - and i'm just gonna throw it out there...

why did they end up with the athletic ability genes?

i've tried the whole "sports" thing...

and its not that i don't enjoy a little competition,

i do.

and its not that i don't LIKE sports - cuz i do.

i'm just not what some might call "GOOD" at them.

its ok...

i'm good at sitting on the bleachers and cheering

i guess we all have our gifts.

;)

- jillian

the things we don't see

2012-03-12T07:30:00.000-05:00

this weekend i finally took advantage of an opportunity that i have ignored for a few months now.
my stepdad and a family friend started going downtown with some food they made to serve to the homeless.
and for the past few months, almost every saturday a group from a few different churches has gone down to serve the people who show up.
and for whatever reason - i haven't gone along yet.
until this weekend.
we set up a homemade dinner,
filled a table and some bins with clothes and socks,
and handed out cookies to the people waiting in line.
we talked,
we laughed,
we served -
and it was so GOOD.
i've served more than one dinner to the homeless in my life,
but this was a little different.
this time i was struck by the fact that SO many of the people were so YOUNG.
and a lot of them were well-dressed...
like i would never have guessed they didn't live in a nice apartment down the street.
and a few of them - if i had seen them anywhere else - i probably would have thought - "i would maybe date him".
i'm not saying i'm looking to date any of them in particular, clearly we're in different seasons of life at the moment - but just the idea that i would never have known.
that its so possible to hide.
not that its so easy to hide - i'm sure we all know on some level how possible, yet consuming and destructive it can be to keep a part of our lives hidden.
but God just reminded me in a huge way - that you NEVER know what a person is going through.
you NEVER know what type of mask a person might be wearing - and not in a "lets find out and judge them for hiding" kind of way...
but in a "we need to LOVE everyone we come across in the NAME of JESUS because we don't know what they are going through" kind of way.
my prayer is that i never take for granted every time someone encourages me.
every time someone notices me and takes the time to just say hi.
every time i need someone to talk to or just listen to me - and there's someone there.
God provides the support and family w/in the church community that we need -
but imagine if you didn't have that family?
where would you be?
coming from someone (me) who spent years mastering the art of seeming "fine" - i know how possible it is.
i also know how destructive it can be.
and i also know how deeply the love of Christ can impact.
i thank God for the reminder this weekend of the importance of loving people.
and how crucial it is not to just "wait until next time".
i thank God that He has risen up people to give up their food, money and saturday nights to show people who have started to lose hope - that there still is some.
that God has not given up on them.
so that these people - no matter how dark and hard and difficult things get, can never say - "there is NO ONE out there who cares about me".
i don't know what happens every other day in their lives,
at work,
or at the shelters,
or wherever -
but at least once a week, there is someone there to say "i made this food and i drove out here because i want you to know that God loves you".
its so much more than a meal.
its HOPE.
and that is HUGE in the midst of a world that doesn't specialize in giving that out.
it was an incredible blessing to be a part of and i would love to keep going.
but i pray that in addition to those couple of hours -
that God would use me and you to spread the hope He's given us to anyone who might need it.
have a blessed week friends!
and be reminded that He is our hope.
that although "we WILL have troubles in this world - we are able to TAKE HEART and have peace."
why?
"because He has OVERCOME the world."
John 16:33

amen!

- jillian

happy friday!

2012-03-09T07:30:00.000-06:00

HAPPPPYYY FFFRRRIIIDDDAAAYYYY of the LONGEST week ever!
no joke.
longest.
ever.

but we made it, friends!
this morning...
i am sleepy.
yesterday was a LONG but lovely day that left me not a lot of time for sleep.

but this week - even though it was long, was GOOD.
some writing time,
lots of phone and email answering,
what seems to be the beginning of VICTORY over procrastination!!! who saw that coming???,
free frozen yogurt (half cheesecake, half pomegranate w/ chocolate chips...nice),
spicy santa fe salad (twice :/ ),
walking to the office in 60 degree weather,
walking to the office in a pretty winter wonderland,
hearing some of my writings be read and recorded :),
spying on the table next to us at applebees (98% sure they were friends who were now on their first "date"),
and being the last ones in the restaurant (so fun, some much-needed friend time),
and SLEEP.

and now we're at FRIDAY :)))

one thing that keeps standing out lately, that i find keeps me looking to God and trusting Him even when i don't understand or really want to listen very much -
are the times when you start to see how you've been prepared for where you are placed.
when you realize that you were terrified to be put in a leadership position, feeling so inadequate - but then realize that God placed you in that very environment to learn it because the circumstances were just right to teach you. it forced you to go into it headfirst and learn.
or when you have wanted to do that (whatever it is that someone else is doing that you aren't) for so long, but the opportunity just never works out for you - but then a different one comes up that is actually way more perfect for you.
or when the pieces STILL aren't falling into place - but you catch the TINIEST glimpse of why God might have you where you are...as you are learning or overcoming something you never would have on your own.

Isaiah 43: 18-19
"Remember not the former things or consider the things of the past. Behold - i am doing a new thing, now it springs forth- do you not see it?"

don't worry about the things you've wanted but never had.
or the plans that didn't work out.
pay attention to what's happening NOW.
pay attention to what He's doing.
because its not an accident. and we don't want to miss it.
He's doing a new thing. He's working NOW.
do you see it???

- jillian

its not the talk, but the power

2012-03-07T08:00:00.000-06:00

in 1 corinthians 4: 19-20
paul gives the corinthians a little perspective.
they'd gotten a little full of themselves...focused on appearances.
and he doesn't waste a lot of time reminding them...

"I will come to you [and] shortly, if the Lord is willing, and then I will perceive and understand not what the talk of these puffed up and arrogant spirits amount to, but their force (the moral power and excellence of soul they really possess).
For the kingdom of God consists of and is based on not talk but power (moral power and excellence of soul)." [amplified bible]

so the next time we start to think we look really good,
but have gotten a little lazy on keeping our Spirit in line with God's -
remember that He's not fooled by how well we play the game.
He's looking at the moral power and excellence of soul we really and actually possess.
not just the power we've studied and can talk about.

humbling?
a little.
ok a lot.
fortunately - that power? is all God's.
we just need to let Him move.
but if He's willing to give us moral power and excellence of soul..........
it just might be worth it.
;)

- jillian

things i've recently developed a love for...

2012-03-06T12:48:00.001-06:00

things that i have recently developed a love for...

1) D'Brian's Deli Spicy Santa Fe dressing... if anyone finds a copycat recipe for this - let me know. but i've looked. and while we're (i'm) talking about D'Brian's dressings - the Honey Spiced dressing... (deep sigh) yum does not do justice to it.

2) getting things done right when they come up - WHO KNEW procrastination just dragged out the things i didn't want to do?????? and that just getting things done gives this strange sense of - i think its called accomplishment-? hmmm...its kind of nice. :)

3) podcasts...ipod + Matt Chandler/Judah Smith/ Perry Noble/etc + bus ride/car ride/ walk to the office = LOVE. it also equals trying to maintain a game face aka not laughing out loud, smiling awkwardly or crying in public... turns out - no one else can hear what i'm hearing in my headphones, therefore they do not understand the sudden burst of emotion.

4) writing. obviously i've had my blog for awhile so i've been writing - but i have recently started to love doing it and love what God does with it and accept that MAYBE its what God wants me to be doing...so i better work at it. ;) and instead of just writing - starting to work in a little creativity. God is just full of surprises...

5) Spotify...it caters to my ADD in music tastes.

6) my Spotify playlist right now... example? upcoming songs = Standing, Great I Am, The Stand, and continue on with Kari Jobe, Misty Edwards, Hillsong, Royal Tailor, Lecrae, Rapture Ruckus, Toby Keith, Kenny Chesney and a miscellaneous of other songs as i think of them... (i love it so much)

7) riding the bus. its an excuse to wear comfy boots to work...even when its really not "necessary" :)
"what? oh, why am i wearing these scuffed up gray "ugg" boots with my black dress pants? its cuz i have to walk from the bus stop to my office and back again... yeah." not sure why - but somehow, its justified. i'll take it!

8) TurboTax. i finished my taxes in about a half hour on Friday...and i have my state refund already. i don't get to play with most of it - but i can go into that more on the "things i DON'T love" list.

9) Tom Hardy. lets clarify...not a "love", more of an "appreciation". as far as i know, he's not a christian so i don't think our relationship would really work out - but i can still appreciate his talent. and his accent. i'm not really a girl who has a lot of "crushes". but the man's been in pretty much every movie made lately - and c'mon...he's not bad-looking. and he's british. ;)

10) and pay no attention to the ORDER of this list (because this is not the least, but Tom Hardy is not second either ;) )...but something i am LOVING anew lately are REMINDERS of God's INCREDIBLE faithfulness. i'm in awe and it just makes me smile so much. so my encouragement to anyone reading this who has not been reminded lately of fulfilled promises - is keep praying expectantly.
don't stop believing that He can do what He says.
and DON'T give up...because He hasn't.
He is still God.
He is still there.
so push forward, knowing that He's still using you.

your list is PROBABLY the same as mine...but on the off-chance its not...
what are YOU loving lately?

- jillian

standing on His promises

2012-03-05T20:29:00.003-06:00

loving these words today.

we have sung this song a few times at church and it is POWERFUL.

i love it.

so listen,

read,

soak it in,

and STAND ON HIS PROMISES.

We will face the darkness around us as we break the chains that have bound us

Oh, yes, it's true, we can do the impossible

So we stand with keys of the kingdom

To declare the day of our freedom

When we believe, we're gonna see the supernatural.

can you hear the voice of the Father inviting you to walk the water?
risk it all, answer the call, and enter in.
Now we stand on every promise
We're not afraid, our faith goes before us
When we believe, we're gonna see the supernatural
We're gonna see what we're praying for
We believe every single word
Stronger than we've ever been,
Standing on his promises,
We're gonna see the impossible
We release the supernatural
Stronger than we've ever been,
We are standing on his promises

i love it.

we can take risks -

not because we're so strong and so great,

but because we're standing

on the promises

of GOD.

one trick -

is that we can't stand on His promises,

unless we know what they are.

get to know God.

He's not conservative about making them.

and if you can't come up with any?

read the Bible.

there's a few pointers in there ;)

but once we start BELIEVING His word,

and EXPECTING Him to answer,

and being WILLING to RISK -

we will see God work like never before.

and all i can say is -

AMEN to THAT!!!

- jillian

a birthday gift from the other side of the world

2012-03-03T12:39:00.002-06:00

the silver lining to having your friends move all over the place...

is that you can come home to a package with a foreign language all over it.

and hope that nothing inside it is breakable...:/

because as you unwrap it - it only gets more deformed.

and open it to find an array of objects including, but not limited to -

a gorgeous scarf,

ice cream cone-shaped bubbles,

socks that look like both cats AND teddy bears,

and a pen with a fairly large sized stuffed whale stuck to the top of it.

you just can't find this stuff in the U.S.

so if i have to say good bye to one of my best friends and let her go on adventures in Korea -

while its sad,

the silver lining is that its a place that has an abundance of these things and so i get presents like these.

it was QUITE the adventure to even get it...but its here!

so thank you sweet friend Breann!

i love it.

it made me laugh.

and i'll be SURE to wear the socks to work at least once.

;)

and if anyone goes to Peru or Belize - let me know...

they have these GREAT earrings that i have never found anywhere else...

and, being me - i've lost both sets.

so...just sayin.

- jillian

even when we run...

2012-03-02T22:08:00.000-06:00

i was going through my documents on my computer looking for something and i came across some documents from when i first got back from my time with YWAM and PPM.

i had started to write out my prayers, write out my quiet times...

having no idea that God would one day ask me to write.

but i was reading this and i absolutely don't hear my own voice in this.

obviously i typed it, its on my computer...

but God must have been doing the writing, the understanding.

He spoke to me through it again - so i wanted to share it here.

its very honest and raw and honestly - humbling to have you read...but its real.

and God IS so faithful...

Hosea 6...

so beautiful

God...my love is so fleeting. it is there...but at the littlest distraction...it fades away. its there, but you cant really see it all the time.

And you want steadfast love. LOVE more than sacrifice. You want knowledge of you more than offerings.

God...you just want to be KNOWN. you want me to take the time to get to know you to find out who you are.

Love. Time. Thats all you want. Is for me to trust you and love you and just seek to get to know you. And in that you can change me and use me...but my part is to love you. Take the time to get to know you. Take the time to really love you.

Push everything else aside.

I need to trust that you are going to do whatever it is needs to be done. Believing without seeing. in Hosea you talk about the faithfulness of the Bride. Waiting...devoting ourselves fully to you - no matter what. Hosea’s bride was a whore. He sought her out and told her he wanted to give her a new life. And she ran back to her whoring. He bought her back...saved her...and she kept on doing it.

God...you saw me. You saw me going after everything else...shutting out everyone, controlling, manipulating, hiding...and you still told me you loved me.

You wanted to save me.

I continued to do what i wanted...doing enough to “please” you...keep the guilt away...but still doing what i wanted ultimately.

You died for me. And once again told me you loved me...enough to literally die.

And i said thanks. I accepted that, told you i loved you...

and then continued to live life the way i wanted.

And then finally - i got it. I fell in love. It made sense, it all became real...and it was amazing.

And then slowly but surely i fell back into “me” mode.

I penciled in time for you every now and then...but mostly, you came in after the rest.

And you continued to love me.

God...i have played the whore. I am playing the whore.

And you sit before me and tell me that you want to betroth me to you in love and faithfulness and justice and more forever and ever. You cry out saying - what do i do? what should i do to get you to love me back? wholly and faithfully?

And i continue to just ignore it and go on with my life.

God...faith. Its enduring. Its perservering. Having faith is believing and trusting. But being full of faith is not even considering for a second that what you are believing can fail. Never doubting that it is right. And sticking with it, not doing anything to hinder it or harm it.

I need to love you and go to you for every answer, every thing believing that youll give it to me, that you know it all...but also going to ONLY you for that. You come first. Everytime.

Who are you God?

Tell me.

Show me your heart, your personality...and not just so i can experience big things and all that...but because i love you and i want to know who you are so that i can please you.

Show me your heart.

That is what i want.

You are faithful.

Help me to be.

Help me to know how to love you.

Help me have faith to know that what you call me to - you have already taken care of. My insecurities show my lack of faith. No more “what if i cant do it?” It doesnt matter - because you have got it.

And i want it that way.

I love you God...I do trust you. I want to show that.

Thank you for your word and speaking through it. So beautiful.

- jillian

a smile like no other

2012-03-01T22:48:00.000-06:00

today i just want to say that i am so in love with God.
things get hard. they get long and tedious and challenging and just really really DIFFICULT.
any one resonate with that?
that sometimes you just want to put a foot down and say
"that's ENOUGH, God. i have had ENOUGH. lets move on already!"
but there's something almost irrational in you (something that can only be described as the Holy Spirit's leading) that just won't let you stop.
no matter how much you want to - you just have this incredible discontentment with quitting.
so what do you do?
you take a little step forward.
even if your crawling... you're moving forward.
and after you've crawled for long enough -
one day you realize that the dense fog that has caused you to just barely get along has started to clear.
and its gotten a little easier to see, to move.
and a picture starts to form...and just BARELY, you can start to see what God maybe was thinking when He had you __________. (fill in the blank)
move to a new place all alone
do something that you never wanted to try
ended a relationship you didn't feel ready to see end
go completely against the grain...

and it may never make sense.
in Hebrews 11 we read about the people who followed God, doing crazy things, believing that God would come through and make good on His promises - and it tells us they died in faith, while the promises were still far off.
they didn't get to see the promises fulfilled.
so we may not get to see the end result until we are in heaven...
but it doesn't mean His promises won't be fulfilled.
maybe we WILL see them fulfilled, and we will be incredibly blessed in that way by God.

but regardless of what we see here on this earth - God is still moving.
and there are times we might be walking tall, loving life -
and other times we will crawl and be scraped up...
but as long as we just keep moving, keep our eyes fixed on Jesus...
we will see Him.
and He works ALL things together, according to His purpose, for the GOOD of those who love Him.
if we just keep going - we'll get through.
the challenges help us grow.
the hard times make us strong.
(i'm sure you've never heard that before ;) )
but here's the other thing...
the thing that just leaves me smiling SO big sometimes...
is that after so many months and weeks of praying for something that starts to seem a little hopeless -
one day.
one day you see God work.
you see the prayer answered - even in the smallest way - and it FLOORS you.
and all that time of effort and hardship - all of a sudden, is WORTH it.
because there is NOTHING quite like seeing God's faithfulness in action.

but we will never experience it if we don't go through the hard times.
and it would truly be a shame to live a life taking for granted the time the GOD of the UNIVERSE is working right in front of us.
don't miss it.
because after feeling doubtful and tired for so long...a smile never felt so good.
:)

- jillian

life lesson: when just reading the bold words doesn't cut it

2012-02-29T07:30:00.000-06:00

ok.
life lesson learned for the day.
sometimes taking the shortcuts will not benefit you.
i've been working on an online class for work -
basically a "read the lessons then take a test" kind of class.
and through out the whole thing i have gotten less and less diligent about actually learning the information - and just have ended up skimming the info and trying to retain the bolded vocab words.
and it got me almost to the end, actually.
and after passing 7 tests that way, not gonna lie - i got a little cocky.
i decided i didn't need to go through the whole lesson.
and i took the last test.
and i failed it.
so i retook it (yes, you can take them unlimited amounts of times).
and i failed again.

so...while this little class may seem insignificant in the scope of life as we don't get unlimited do-overs in life,
and there actually are consequences to our real-life decisions...
what it not-so subtley shoved in my face is the reminder that i can't just "get by" forever.
sometimes i need to do my homework.
sometimes no matter how much i can make up and guess at - i just DON'T know all the answers
and i need to make the time to prepare thoroughly.
it might not be comfortable or fun all the time -
unless you count being half asleep, squinting your eyes, on a computer in a cold basement for hours at a time "fun",
but things need to get done.
God has things He wants us to do and He's got a purpose for them.
they matter in big ways and have an eternal impact.
and its not going to work to just get by on the least possible amount of work.
and while a lot of times we can just guess...sometimes we just don't know what to do next.
sometimes we don't have all the answers. (whaaattt??? yeah...i think its true)

we can really learn from Him,
and as we soak it all in and let Him teach us -
we will grow.
and we will be strengthened.
and He will be glorified.

i just need to apply this and wake up early tomorrow morning and actually read through the lesson.
did i mention the class needs to be done tomorrow?
hmmm...
next life lesson will PROBABLY be on procrastination...

- jillian

monday?

2012-02-28T07:30:00.000-06:00

my monday...
-oversleep...rush out of the house.
-long day at work...really busy.
-rush out of work, off to creative meeting at church (in the rush - forget my heels and end up wearing my gray winter boots w/my gray dress pants. its nice)
-enjoy time being creative/planning
-off to prayer time for CALLED conference.
-home to change shoes/ finish ONE more section of my online class (ONE MORE...)
-then off to applebees for some long awaited, much needed girls time. we used to do it every single week...its been a LOT of weeks without it, so it was very nice :) so blessed to have friends that no matter how much time passes - you can just pick up where you left off.
-home.
-sleep.

is it friday yet?
because i feel like i've just finished 5 days.

maybe not.
:)

some words of encouragement that God gave me today in the midst of the craziness...
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”
2 timothy 1:7

for all the times that i get overwhelmed by what God is asking of me and i feel way less than adequate - like there's no way that i can do what He wants or get it all done... i'm reminded.
that i was not given a spirit of fear. if God calls me into it, He'll take care of it.
i was not given a spirit of timidity. we are to go forward in boldness, trusting His lead.
i WAS given a spirit of power, love and self-discipline. so i can push through, i can love people and i can get it all done... as long as I'm filled with HIS spirit.
we got this.
so be encouraged today!

:)

- jillian

weekend: tests, friends and a video

2012-02-27T08:00:00.000-06:00

do you ever have those weekends when all you do is just get stuff done?

like, even before you start it - every minute is already claimed by something?

well...

on friday

i got off work a little early and headed home to do dinner with my mom.

(chinese...love.)

and then headed off to my small group that i have been MIA from so far.

and i let Dave Ramsey remind me that i need to be responsible with my money -

(me and dave have a love/hate relationship)

and hung out with some of my favorite people for the night :)

saturday

i got up early and met some LOVELY ladies at caribou to do some creative planning for the youth group's wednesday night worship times.

and it was productive -

it was SUCH a blessing for me to sit down and work with the team...

when God says that we were designed to work as a body -

i absolutely believe Him and am so grateful for it.

from there -

amanda and i decided to do lunch quick at Potbelly,

which was so busy we had no place to sit (awwwkkkwwwarrddd)

but a guy finishing up offered his table -

so we went to sit down and ended up inviting him to stay.

he did and we talked to him for awhile and then found out that he was the program director of KDWB, here in the twin cities.

super interesting...

God and the way He works...i will never understand - but i will always be in awe.

and from there i went home...

settled down in front of my computer and began to work on training i am supposed to be doing for work.

8 sections, 8 tests and about 8 million hours of a LOT of information.

i did not finish...but i am SOOO close.

it just needs to be done by wed.

sunday

up early again...

off to church.

i just really love my church.

God has BLESSED us with some AMAZINGly gifted worship teams

and has brought together a really really great group of people.

so blessed.

and after a lunch with some of those great people -

i came back and spent another 4 hrs on training.

i'm PRETTY sure i fell asleep for a little bit :/

BUT...i am so close.

and instead of finishing -i am enjoying the last few hours of my weekend.

because tomorrow -

tomorrow is day o' meetings.

not joking.

it could be a very long day.

so i leave you with two recommendations...

1) i've been listening to some sermons from Matt Chandler, from TX, and he has one on being part of the body of Christ. its called "Unique, yet part of one" and if you have time to listen - i HIGHLY recommend.

2) my uncle (brother of my stepdad) just came out with his new video of his new song...

he is a really talented singer/songwriter and even if you don't love country music - check it out on cmt.com or click here :)

thanks friends!

have a blessed Monday! :)

- jillian

chasing glory i shouldn't own

2012-02-24T09:42:00.000-06:00

loving these lyrics today..........

all I wanted was the money and the fame

and the new somebody on my arm when I walk inside the room

all I wanted was doomed,

the same way Alexander the Great felt

when the earth ran out of room

he conquered all he could

but yet he still was consumed by this never-ending quest for glory

he couldn't fuel

chasing glory I shouldn't own,

stead of living to make His name known

I'm running after His throne.

I'll never be who I used to desperately want to be,

I'm too worried bout the Lord getting credit instead of me

you can have the money,

and you can have the fame.

but me I want the glory,

I'm living for the Name

I'm living for the Kingdom

I was chasing my goals and every time I caught em they multiplied into more

I never even thought about whether the Lord approved

call it selfish ambition

I call it "I'm making moves"

but history repeats itself,

evil's what it is

cause lucifer was cast away for doing what I did

created by the God that spoke the earth into existence

instead of chasing the Father's glory he was chasing his

he lies to us all,

told Adam he could ball "why you following God when you can go get it all?"

holy heart check, right there...

we were created by God,

and instead of making sure HE gets all the glory -

do we ever chase after our own?

satan was cast out of heaven, not because he killed people and did drugs (you know, bad things)...

but because he wanted the glory.

he thought he deserved it

he wanted to be where God is-

and he wouldn't quit.

but that wasn't his place.

so he was cast out.

do we ever feel a little frustrated when we don't get the glory?

when people don't give us the credit?

or do we ever know what God wants...but would rather do what we want?

I tell you what's better, or better yet worse.

chasing your own glory while doing the Lord's work,

so holla if it hurts,

but we were made for greater

our greatest satisfaction is making His name famous

so if we're never named among the greatest,

they don't critically acclaim us,

ain't nothing to be ashamed of

we gave it up for the savior!

- Lecrae, "Chase That"

He is EVERYTHING.

it may seem like a waste at times - to go after God's ambitions instead of ours.

it may seem crazy or counterproductive at times.

it may not be popular most of the time to follow God's ways instead of the worlds...

but the fact of the matter is, is that He is everything.

so if all we ever do is worship Him and submit to Him and bring Him glory -

if the only one who is ever proud of us or saying "well done" is Him-

its enough.

- jillian

when all i want is to see God...

2012-02-22T21:47:00.001-06:00

i started this blog after i had been back to mn for awhile,

so i never really talked about my time out of the country other than -

i miss it :)

and i want to go back.

i dont know what it is but lately its like an addiction -

i just feel this need,

this incredible desire to be immersed in another culture.

its definitely something God made a part of my heart - but for now, i'm here.

one of my favorite adventures with God, out of the country, was in Peru with YWAM...

and i just find my heart wanting to go back so much.

i'm honestly not sure what it is that i like so much about it

or why i miss it so much...

it could be the markets...

or the ministry in parks...

or getting to know people from ALL different places...

or getting to work with this incredible blessing of a team :)

or the grapes the size of your face...

(you should see the mangos...)

or getting to tour orchards of exotic fruit by people who own it...just because they want to know you.

it could be that i love carrying these massive packs with me everywhere i go

or having to fill a bucket with water...from a well...to shower.

(and no -its not heated)

or - maybe its the fact that the best way to avoid carrying huge buckets up stairs was to wash our hair in the sink...

or performing dramas/shows and ministering to churches...in spanish

or maybe i just really like being called "shirley"

or maybe, just maybe there is something intensely powerful about just putting myself in a place where God HAS to step in and work because i'm so incredibly out of my comfort zone and so beyond my own abilities...

and then SEEING Him work through it all...

it is no small feat to take a group to a foreign country - when they are from 8 different countries themselves,

to teach them spanish,

to bring them together so they love each other,

to give them the ability to work with the local churches,

to give them a heart that will find joy through cold bucket showers and eating guinea pig -

so that they can spread the gospel and love of Christ to the people around them.

God is so big and i have no doubt that He can do anything He wants.

no matter how big or small.

and as much as i want to just GO -

He doesn't have to bring us to a whole other continent in order for Him to work...

He can do it all right here.

what i learned in it all though - is that He works the best and biggest when we are

CONSTANTLY,

100%

dependent

on Him.

its harder to do where we're comfortable...

but it doesn't make it less true.

i just want us to see God so clearly.

even if it means i'm in MN.

i pray that we can get in a habit of taking the big steps so we can see God work in such a way that we can't possibly take any credit at all.

and if the opportunity arises - i won't tell you not to go on a mission trip ;)

and you should also probably take me with you...

- jillian

beyond what we can see

2012-02-21T22:21:00.002-06:00

i just want to take this moment and this post to speak against any doubts that might be creeping into your mind right now, and by your mind - i mean mine too.

do you ever feel like the things God has you dreaming for and praying for are just too big?

that they are so beyond your reach that you feel ridiculous for even asking Him?

here's the thing about God...

nothing's too big for Him.

in fact - if it is within our reach and w/in our ability...

we probably won't get to see Him working very clearly, if at all.

so instead of second-guessing,

or pushing the dreams aside,

or trying to keep it on the down-low until it looks like it might be real...

realize that we're not serving a small god.

read His words in Isaiah -

“For your sakes I will send an army against Babylon, forcing the Babylonians to flee in those ships they are so proud of.
I am the LORD, your Holy One, Israel’s Creator and King.
I am the LORD, who opened a way through the waters, making a dry path through the sea.
I called forth the mighty army of Egypt with all its chariots and horses.
I drew them beneath the waves, and they drowned, their lives snuffed out like a smoldering candlewick.

“But forget all that— it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.
For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.
The wild animals in the fields will thank me, the jackals and owls, too, for giving them water in the desert. Yes, I will make rivers in the dry wasteland so my chosen people can be refreshed.
I have made Israel for myself, and they will someday honor me before the whole world."
Isaiah 43: 18-21

not only did He perform some incredibly miracles to save His people and bring them freedom -

He doesn't even focus on that.

He says - i did ALLLL these things that no one else could ever do...

but that is NOTHING compared to what i'm about to do.

i don't know about you -

but no matter how unsure i might feel about what God is asking of me,

i want to see what He's about to do...

over.

and over again.

so those doubts?

ignore them.

because we serve the LORD, the Holy one - the Creator and King.

and He's not limited by what we can imagine.

He's got His own plans...

and THANK goodness for THAT!

- jillian

one thing never changes...

2012-02-19T21:43:00.002-06:00

birthdays have never been a huge thing for me...

but for whatever reason, this year has been an emotional one.

i dont know if its because i'm feeling overwhelmed,

or if its just one of those days...

but through all the changes that i have been through over the past few years...

through every single moment of unpredictability,

given every doubt that's entered my mind -

one thing...

ONE thing has never either changed or altered or let me down.

God.

God has been there.

and no matter how much my plans seem to change on a daily basis -

God has never waivered,

He has never changed.

and He never will.

so if everything else is going to constantly change -

i can deal with that.

because my rock will always be there.

"trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding,

in all your ways acknowledge Him -

and He shall direct your path"

proverbs 3: 5-6

Trust in Him and only Him -

because He's the only one that will remain a constant no matter what.

when we lose focus or get rocked around, He doesn't.
when we don't feel called to follow the "normal" path,
when everyone seems to be going in a different direction,
when nothing makes sense,
when everything seems about 2 seconds away from imploding...

He's still God.

He's still got the plan in His hands.

trust in Him.

and take a moment to realize and appreciate the fact that He truly has never changed...

amazing, right?

- jillian

and these walls are coming DOWN.

2012-02-17T23:31:00.001-06:00

so tonight...
tonight i broke through some walls.
the walls that i have so effectively built and hid behind -
that allow me to never really be vulnerable to embarrassment...
the walls that i have been trying to break past for a long time...
yeah - those walls.

and you might read this and think - oh, hey melodramatic lady...just calm down.
but its big for me...so - imma share it.

tonight i went to my new favorite thing called Friday Night Live.
and ever since last month when i attended - i have felt like i was supposed to sign up to share something.
(awkward.......... quick review? i don't sing, dance, free style, rap, etc...)
but at the time - it just felt so clear.
i knew that i was supposed to read something i had written, one of my posts.
so at the last minute today i printed the one i had in mind off...(just in case).
and i started getting so nervous.
i walked in...
and somehow i signed up...
and sat nervously...
and as soon as it started and people started just performing the things that God had given them - from dance to rap to verses to words to free style and so on and on...the nerves went away.
it felt so natural.

and then they called my name.

if you know me - you know i don't mind standing in front of people. i really don't.
i dont remember the last time i got REALLY nervous about speaking.
but as i walked up...my knees were SHAKING. and i was holding paper in my hand...that too - SHAKING.
and i couldn't stop.
so why this time?
i can tell you exactly why.
because i was up there,
- not just saying whatever came to mind. because when i do that - if i mess up, i can say "oh yeah, i wasn't really prepared..." or some other really "good" excuse.
- not reading someone else's words.
- not just handing out a piece of paper with words i had written on it for them to read.
but i was up there...reading my own words. in front of people. something that God had given ME.
and that, my friends, is more terrifying to me than spiders, kidnappers and scary movies combined.
because in that moment - i am totally open.
i have nothing to hide behind.
i have nothing to blame anything on.
its just me.
but i read.
and it all came out.
and i felt the Holy Spirit.
and i sat back in my chair.

and the walls came down.
that is the first time that i have ever performed something that God created through me.
and let me just say that if you have something you feel like you are stuck behind and God is telling you to just push past, just do it...
listen.
because the thing about walls coming down?
is that you're no longer held back by them.
and the Holy Spirit can finally move you forward...
and there's no telling where He'll go from there................

- jillian

our GREAT God

2012-02-16T21:29:00.001-06:00

“My heart pounds as I think of this.

      It trembles within me.
Listen carefully to the thunder of God’s voice
      as it rolls from his mouth.
It rolls across the heavens,
      and his lightning flashes in every direction.
Then comes the roaring of the thunder—
      the tremendous voice of his majesty.
      He does not restrain it when he speaks.
God’s voice is glorious in the thunder.
      We can’t even imagine the greatness of his power.

“He directs the snow to fall on the earth
      and tells the rain to pour down.
Then everyone stops working
      so they can watch his power.
The wild animals take cover
      and stay inside their dens.
The stormy wind comes from its chamber,
      and the driving winds bring the cold.

God’s breath sends the ice,
      freezing wide expanses of water.
He loads the clouds with moisture,
      and they flash with his lightning.
The clouds churn about at his direction.
      They do whatever he commands throughout the earth.

“Pay attention to this, Job.
Stop and consider the wonderful miracles of God!

---from Job 37, NLT

He's bigger than your bad day.
He can place someone in the exact right place when you arrive on your worst day to encourage you and pray over you.
He's bigger than your feeling left out.
He's greater than your being tired.
He's greater than your anger.
He sees what you're really thinking.
He knows what you are about to come up against and He prepares you for it.
He strengthens you.
He leads you.
He changes hearts.
He saves lives.
He is the one who keeps you breathing
He is the one who will heal you from the deepest scars.
He is the one who won't let you live your life in fear.
He will never forget about you, He will never overlook you, He will never stop wanting to be with you.
He has the power to control every force in the entire universe and He wraps His arms around you when you're broken.
no matter where you look, how far you search, what you go through, what you do -
God will always be great, God will always be God.
He will work through you and as people look at you - they will see His power, love and peace.
and one day all the world will praise His great name.

so don't just brush Him off like He is just something we use when we need it.
He is God.
He made it possible for us to live...
so let's live like it all depends on Him.
because, well - it does.

so thankful for that :)

- jillian

content

2012-02-14T20:12:00.000-06:00

"we know He has wonderful plans for us and that excites us. We have aspirations for God. We want to do all those great things He’s spoken into us. But many times what we really experience is great frustration because those things He’s spoken aren’t happening yet! When you’re frustrated, know that God loves frustrated people. He knows you’re frustrated because you care. Also know that the reason they may not be happening yet is that
God is still measuring growth, not time. In our relationship with God, His purpose is to conform us to the image of His Son. And, He’s content to take as much time as necessary. We, on the other hand, want everything to happen now, without suffering, pain, or sacrifice on our part. And God’s only response to that is - too bad. Adjust your thinking. I’m doing this my way."

this is a quote from a poem i read once,

i can't find the author, so we'll just say its from a good friend "unknown".

;)

it has been quite the journey so far...

and is by no means close to being over -

this waiting on God.

what an encouragement/ incredibly humbling thing to hear that God is measuring by growth and not time.

it means He hasn't given up,

He's not running out of time,

and He wants us to experience Him the way He intended.

God has made us all in a specific way,

and led us to a specific place,

to do specific things,

and influence specific people.

fortunately/unfortunately - its not up to us how it all plays out.

its up to Him.

and it will be done His way.

because the purpose is not to make us happy or be our genie -

its to conform us to the image of His Son.

so let's let Him do His work!

- jillian

evidence

2012-02-13T22:42:00.001-06:00

the ocean has always been me and God's "spot".
i feel close to Him there.
i could never really put into words why...
so this time when i was there i asked God to reveal Himself to me in a new way
while i was by the ocean,
my hands in the sand,
staring at the waves,
while the breeze blew my hair around,
and felt it again -
this feeling like God is absolutely there. in that place. just waiting to speak.
and i asked Him again -
"why do i always feel so sure of your presence here, by the water?"
and this is what He reminded me of...
Isaiah 51:15 says "it is I who stirs up the waves so that they roar"
and i realized...
the waves i always watch for so long - that keep forming, over and over - each one a little different,
the breeze that i LOVE feeling on my face and that makes my hair a little crazy -
they move - only because God stirs them up.
so the very fact that the breeze is blowing,
and that that breeze causes the waves to form,
and that the waves roll in and crash over and over again -
is only because God is moving.
it is evidence that He is there.
and i realized that the reason i feel so sure of His presence in that place
is because i can actually see Him moving.
do i believe that God is always present in our lives? yes.
is it an incredible added bonus that we get to see His hand working so clearly in some of those moments? absolutely.
don't miss His work.
He gives us opportunities to see Him all over the place...
and while i've never been a "nature" person -
there is something incredibly powerful and peace-giving in watching God work His creation.
and knowing that He's the same one who created you and is working in you.

- jillian

remembering what sunshine feels like...

2012-02-12T15:37:00.000-06:00

ok - so i decided to come back to mn.

although it was tough to leave the ocean and the ability to wear sundresses outside w/out freezing.

i realized i haven't posted pictures in a very long time...

so to change things up -

here is a post of pictures.

disclaimer...if you are really a person who dislikes winter, this may not help ;)

we stayed in a friend's condo in Cocoa Beach.

home of Ron Jon Surf Shop and (surprise) Cocoa Beach.

i went down there with this lovely group of people...

a lot of our time was spent at Cocoa Beach/ Cocoa Beach Pier

at the cute restaurants looking over the water

and fishing (jared and ken...not me)

swimming/ boogie-boarding in the ocean,

and of course...digging deep holes.

on our last day we ventured into Orlando to wander.

we had lunch and did some shopping

and jared, jordan and i ended up going to a place called WonderWorks.

its kind of like a science museum...

but so fun.

fun mirrors, simulators, 4-D theater, bed of nails (which does in fact hurt by the way...), games...

so fun.

and if you're thinking "that looks like it might be geared toward kids"

you may be right...but that doesn't make it less fun :)

they even had a Bubble Lab...

which yes, we played in.

along with some other people our age who happened to be in there at the same time...

its fine.

we even got to hang out with these fun people to finish out our day!

SO great to see them!!! :)

we ate really good food and hung out and laughed a lot...

even played a little Settlers of Catan.

so fun :)

such a great way to end our vacation.

and we left just in time...

because on saturday morning it looked like this.

crazy wind and rain

all our luggage ready to go...

and we said goodbye to our awesome condo

the ocean

the breeze

the warm weather

the outdoor restaurant patios

and vacation.

and back to reality :)

it was such a blessing and while i am getting better at "relaxing"

i'm much better at being busy.

so it's good to be back!

but the time off was definitely nice.

- jillian

a week away...

2012-02-08T18:04:00.001-06:00

quick update...
i'm in FL.
i'm 5 min away from the ocean.
i'm a little sunburnt (ok a lot)
my new favorite thing is sitting at a restaurant on the deck at the pier.
i very well may not come back to mn...

just a heads up.
but thanks to all those who are holding down the fort at home and allowing me to leave for a week and (however difficult it may be) stop thinking about everything. :)

i am getting a lot done.
i am being creative.
i am chillin with God in our date spot.
i am using this time to relax and get re-energized.
i'm chillin and laughing with the family
its nice.

and i will be back in a few days!
(probably)
:)

- jillian

new car...cont.

2012-02-02T21:50:00.000-06:00

ok - picture.
its not a great one...
but its a picture.
here's the thing - i never get to see my car in the "daytime".
haha
i drop it off in the dark,
i get back to it in the dark.

BUT -

this is my new baby.

a new (to me) kia forte.

so far -

i'm loving it.

i haven't figured out the cruise control yet...

but i will.

i'll try to take a better picture soon!

i just got home from ALIVE and we worked on a new thing - we're learning/modifying some sign language to a pretty epic song.

idk what its for yet - but its good.

it was fun to learn.

its so fun to channel our worship into different forms.

love it.

tomorrow is friday!

which means i have one day to do laundry, pack, get ready for FLORIDA :)

here we go...

- jillian

when it doesn't make sense

2012-02-01T22:48:00.004-06:00

i talk a lot on this blog about how my life didn't end up the way i planned.
how God always has me in the middle of these things that seem so wrong for me.
how i never seem to know what i'm doing...ever.
but what i want you to know -
is that although we have to go through these times of "UGH!!! i don't know what i'm doing!!!" -
we will come to realize, once we get to the other side of the screaming/punching phase, that
He knew exactly what He was doing all along.
He knew that THIS place was perfect for you.
once you've seen Him show up in the middle of it -
and you see things starting to come together.
its what you were designed for.
and because it was tough to get to -
you probably would never have just wandered into it on your own.
sometimes we need a little (lot) guidance.
but He KNOWS YOU because He DESIGNED YOU.
so when things don't make sense,
when the plans seem like they are all falling apart,
when you feel like everything you're being told to do are the things you are awful at
and you just want so badly to not feel incompetent at something -
just remember that He knows you.
He knows EVERYTHING about you.
He knows where you've been
and most importantly - where you can go.
He knows...
so if He's calling you to draw/ sing/ speak/ play sports/ be a friend/ etc.
if He's calling you to write and you don't want to because its hard and tedious and difficult and makes you feel way too vulnerable to have people read it...
suck it up and start writing.
because He knows that you've been struggling to get the things He's been showing you- out to the world - and maybe, just MAYBE He's giving you those things so that you WILL get them out to the world...
for His glory.
and maybe, just MAYBE He knows the best way to get it all out...
maybe He's given you the gift, the platform, the time, the resources...maybe He's given you everything you need to do it for Him.
just maybe.
so even though its hard - take comfort in the fact that He knows you.
He didn't mistake you for someone else,
He didn't forget about you,
and He's not just throwing you out there - hoping it'll work out.
He knows His plan...so trust Him.
and don't focus on all that you can't see...instead - look at the one who sees it all.
and just keep going...

- jillian

my new car :)

2012-01-31T22:28:00.000-06:00

i finally have a car again!!!
:)
praise the Lord.
its dark outside...and i've only had it for a few hours - so i don't have a picture yet.
just so excited to not have to arrange rides anymore ;)
i mean - i enjoyed my flashback to being 12 and all...but we'll just say its nice to be 23 again.
haha

anyways...
just wanted to share.

this week is crazy!!!
i've got 3 days to get summer clothes together, do some shopping, pack, pick up my brother from st cloud, finish up everything at work (get semi-caught up), spend 2 of the 3 evenings at church............

i mean...that should be fine.
;)

but for now - sleep!

- jillian

one of those weekends...:)

2012-01-30T22:37:00.001-06:00

this will be a quick post...

i had such a great weekend!

you know those weekends where you get to do everything you wanted to?

and everything just goes well?

it doesn't happen very often - right???

haha

so it makes those ones that do...just make you smile :)

i wish i had pictures...

but i spent Friday night being so productive.

i went through old scripts that i had written and never used.

i cleaned them up and edited and sorted...

and it. felt. so. good.

people - if you had told me 3 yrs ago that i would be a writer...

i would not have believed you for a second.

or i would have made a face at you and said "ok..."

but in standard God-fashion...He takes the very thing i would never have done on my own...

and makes it the very thing He wants to use us to do.

i remember one of my friends once prophesied over me that

"God would use my words to make people understand..."

and for a long time i just assumed that meant speaking.

that i would be a speaker.

done.

haha........turns out we should always check with God first ;)

sometimes He has plans of His own.

but then i got up on saturday...

played chauffer for my sister

(did i mention my car got killed? yeah...which means i get to participate in one of my all-time favorite pasttimes...researching things i know nothing about, working with insurance companies and sales people, not having a car to drive of my own...oh - and spending lots of money. yay.........)

then i cut 3 inches off my hair and gave myself bangs...:/

i would take a pic now...but my hair is like twisted up in bobby pins and pony tails. haha

not convenient.

and then i got to see some of my favorite girls from Stout - Lauren, Hannah and Sarah came down to visit and we hung out and talked and then headed over to the Wild Onion in st. paul

we ate some good food, danced, laughed so much, got caught up -

i just really love these girls and it has been WAYYYY too long since i've seen them.

i LOVE the friendships you have with people you cannot see for years and then meet right back up like you just saw them yesterday.

SUCH A BLESSING.

so we had so much fun.

and then on SUNDAY...

yeah, it just keeps going :)

friend sarah's husband Ryan came home - so happy!

and so we went out to lunch to celebrate...

olive garden - soup, salad, breadsticks...YUM.

and after me and my sister ventured on over to the Xcel Center where a few people were hanging out...

just like Sidewalk Prophets,

Disciple,

Hawk Nelson,

LECRAE :))),

tenth avenue north,

and MercyMe.

no big deal.

oh - did i mention it was at the Xcel and the whole bottom level was full?

so just picture 5000 people singing and rocking out and dancing and rapping and laughing and worshipping...

i mean - its just GOOD.

my favorite was when Disciple sang their "Dear X" song -

the line that i've always loved is talking to satan/the world/sin and it says

"i was yours, but i'm not yours anymore - you don't own me"

its powerful!

now picture 5000 people shouting that so loud -

it felt good to remind satan of his place.

and to remember where God's is.

that satan's got nothing.

and well, Lecrae wasn't bad either. ;)

i just LOVE LOVE LOVE his ministry.

and tenth avenue...oh their hearts. i just can't even handle it.

i mean - thats a ALOT of anointing on one stage in one night.

crazy. but SOOO blessed by it.

it was so fun.

and God was just pouring in so many ideas for dramas/videos/dances/etc.

craziness...so i am just praying that He brings it all to life.

feelin blessed and LOVING the Lord today, friends.

He is just so good.

get to know Him.

you will not regret a moment of it.

- jillian

"prayer"

2012-01-27T22:17:00.000-06:00

just a thought.

am i the only one who has ever used pray as a word that we're "supposed" to use in a certain situation?

its easy to forget the power behind this "word" that is used so often.

but God, in His incredible grace, is reminding me...

and because i have this place to write/share - He's now reminding us.

some thoughts...

in Matthew 7 we are reminded that if our fathers here on earth give us- their children- good gifts, then our heavenly father will be so much more willing to give us good things

Romans 8 tells us that in the times we know we should be praying but have no idea what to say - the Spirit helps us in our weakness. for we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

when we feel like we're not complete - God tells us that we do not have because we do not ask, in James 4.

all of which seems to indicate that prayer is so much more than a word or a passing encouragement.

He wants us to ask Him to move.

He wants to work in our lives.

He wants to give us good gifts.

He wants to make sure that even when we don't have words- that our hearts are still heard...

all for His glory.

and because its all for His glory - im realizing that He intends to show up, that He intends to respond.

have you ever been stressed out, just trying to plan and make something happen - only to realize that you have no idea what to do next?

and in a moment, without knowing exactly how you remembered- you think to pray.

you realize that you need to bring it before God.

so you take a few seconds/minutes/hours and just surrender it to Him.

the other day i had this happen...

and it hit me.

so take a second with me and realize that that "reminder" was God.

and realize what it means that God would, not just tap His foot while waiting for us to remember Him, but instead- remind us that He's there.

that He wants to work in our lives.

that He wants us to ask.

that He wants to give us good gifts.

that He wants to make sure that even when we don't have words, that our hearts are still heard.

that He's not just watching you to see which prayers you remember to pray so He can answer those

and which prayers you forget so He can say "ooh, geez...thats too bad, that would have been a cool one!"

no - He's actively watching...and when we're distracted - when we're about to miss it,

He gets our attention

He reminds us to go to Him - so that we don't miss it.

its amazing, right?

that He notices us? that we're a part of His plan?

Romans tells us that

"He who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God"

God knows the Holy Spirit.

He searches His mind and knows His heart.

and all the while the Holy Spirit is interceding - praying for us, lifting us up, standing before God in prayer for us -

not according to what we do,

not according to how we're acting,

not according to whether or not we say the right prayers...

don't miss what Romans says -

the Spirit intercedes for the saints (those who follow Christ) -

according to the will of God.

i pray (really pray) that you see this incredible, perfect circle that God has us in...

His will is that we would know freedom and live in eternity with Him, not just for us - but for His glory. we have free will - but God, in His love for us - endlessly pursues. He is watching, He is paying attention. and all the while, no matter how we mess up, the Holy Spirit is interceding for us...

according to God's will!

and start over - His will? His will is that.......

amazing right?

our God is so good.

pay attention when He speaks - because He is working for your good.

and He is working for His will.

that all may know Him...

and that the world will know that He, and only He, is the Lord.

amen!

- jillian

inspired...for His glory

2012-01-26T22:00:00.002-06:00

God is for my joy.
He is for our joy.
not so i can be happy-
but because the more joyful i am in the craziest of circumstances -
the more glory He gets.
so He isn't asking me to keep up appearances while i figure it all out on my own -
He tells us how it works.
He's telling us how to live.
marriage, love, friends, life -He created it all.
when He says "this is how it works"
its not because He wants to pretend to know everything.
it isn't because He wants to you to feel like you don't know anything.
He isn't making things up
He can tell us how it works and that we should listen -
because He created it.
He's not guessing -
He actually knows how it works.
He actually knows how everything works together.
His goal is that we have joy,that we have peace,that we have freedom...
so we have to assume that all the things He's telling us...
will not lead us to hopelessness, stress and destruction -
but will lead us to that very joy, peace, and freedom
why?
because supernatural miraculous joy, peace and freedom that we could never hope to achieve on our own, not reluctant submission, but real joy -
will cause us all to glory in Him.
only Him.
and when we realize this
when we accept that God knows.
and that we don't.
when we realize that our purpose is to point to Him...
we will listen to Him.
we will trust Him.
we will obey Him - not focusing on the "rules" but focusing on being free!
and we will know true freedombecause nothing else will be able to compare to what we've found.
and we will not want to do anything but bring glory to the amazing God that we've come to know.
but before we start to think we get to pick and choose-
that we get to choose how we want to bring God glory and avoid His commands...
we need to remember that its all His.
we are His.
as David says - "He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to His name"He loves us and He wants to see us living in joy -
and by that love He will do whatever it takes to get us there
short of forcing us to look Him in the eye.
whatever it takes.
in the words of Matt Chandler
"Israel never did too well with blessings. they did real well with a whack to the head though"
whatever it takes.
one of His greatest acts of love is to pursue us endlessly...
whatever it takes.
and to quote Matt Chandler again -
"being a 'church' person but not a Jesus person is like being engaged but never getting married"
its sad.so close...but so far.
an illusion of joy - but not quite real.
don't get so close - knowing about Him but never knowing Him.
He is for your good - for His glory.
He is for your joy - that all may know Him and also be set free.
His purpose is bigger than you and me.
it doesn't end with us.
why do we fight so hard to be right?
why do we try so hard to find a loophole in what He says?
because the movies we want to watch and the gossip we want to share is so great?
is so uplifting?
its not worth it to try to so hard to work around Him.
He will always be there.
and His way will always be the only way.
"He knows the thoughts of the wise, that they are futile"
so lets learn Him.
lets be grateful for and learn from His blessingsand not wait for a whack in the head.
because one day -
every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that
He.
Is.
THE.
Lord.
maybe its time to stop playing the game and trying to bypass the rules...
maybe its time to know what its like to be in sheer awe and completely in love in the same moment.
and to allow everyone around us to join us in knowing from the deepest parts of us and in being able to say -
"He IS the Lord".

- jillian

one of those days

2012-01-24T13:10:00.001-06:00

today...

is one of those days.

one of those days

-where i may have put the phone down a LITTLE bit harder than necessary

-where i was glad i took time to read the Word on the bus this morning

-where i have 10 minutes to print, correct, scan, fax and get a call back -

and the printer/scanner/fax machine...isnt working

-where i took lunch at 11am...because i just needed a moment away from some unhappy emails/phone calls bound to come my way (not because of anything i did...if that were the case i may have just faked pink eye or something and went home for the day) and put Steven Furtick's message on "gratitude" on my ipod... just because i like it...not because it applied to me or anything ;)

-where although today wasn't technically a day i was planning to have coffee (still working on breaking the addiction)...it was in everyone's favor that i changed my mind.

-where the unexpected becomes the expected...if it could go a little wrong or get changed- it prb will.

-where you KNOW that God is up there watching you with a smirk on His face, thinking..."WOW my girl's feeling a little melodramatic today..." and you know He's right...but in the moment you choose to ignore it.

just one of those days.

i prayed some legit, somewhat passionate prayers...

that things would just work out.

now, it was nothing so awful,

nothing so painful or devastating...

haha

sure - i have had worse days.

i've absolutely had worse moments.

i got back from my little walk with Steven Furtick

and i had calmed down.

and w/in a few minutes i got a few phone calls...

and a few messages...

took care of a few things...

and somehow...

email by email, fax by fax

everything is working out.

hmmm...........now - i've been through enough stuff to know that God is not up there with a magic wand just fixing every problem as soon as i start to pout.

but sometimes...it seems like He's just waiting for us to ask for help.

and maybe He's waiting a few extra min because He knows we have the fight in us to just get it done.

and instead of Him just waving that wand and fixing everything...

we get an opportunity to acknowledge Him, to conquer and then to look at Him and say -

"YES! look what you did!!!"

and we can say it because we were a part of the process. because we fought with Him. we know how hard it was - but then saw Him work through it.

and it gives you a sense of - i can take _____ on because my God's got my back...

He did it then, and i may not know how - but He's gonna take care of this too.

why?

because He told us we're more than conquerors.

He told us that He's with us.

that He is for us - not against us.

oh - and that He is SOVEREIGN over EVERYTHING.

yeah...

so next time you want to slam the phone down and pull some hair out -

just take a deep breath.

(maybe still slam the phone down...it sometimes helps and its better than slamming someone else ;) )

but let Him use the situation.

let Him teach you.

let Him show you that

"He can make all things work together for our good"

and that even a frustrating day can lead to us worshipping our amazing God.

its hard to appreciate how GOOD a good day really is

if you haven't had to push through a bad one.

its hard to appreciate how incredibly faithful God is -

if you never have to admit you need Him.

- jillian

"i refuse to contribute to my own demise"

2012-01-21T14:59:00.000-06:00

i spent the evening worshipping with some really gifted people last night at something called Friday Night Live.

Chief Cornerstone Ministries - a couple young guys started it up and every 3rd Friday of the month people gather for an open mic night. people can sign up to perform or share some words or share a gift that they have - all while worshipping God.

we listened to spoken word and rappers and singers and saw some artwork and ended with some prayer time.

it was such a Holy-Spirit filled night and it was such a blessing to see God's creativity in action.

i loved it.

one of the lines that stuck out to me from the evening was from a spoken word poem by a girl named Dominique. the poem was called "Living in the Word".

and she said this...

the world offers instant gratification

which leads to lowered expectations

and i refuse to contribute to my own demise.

so i won't live by the world.

i will live in the Word.

AMEN!

loving this encouragement.

we have the free will to say no to the instant gratification the world offers.

the selfishness and obsessiveness that will destroy us.

so we need to not make satan's job any easier.

we need to lean on Christ, be strong in Him and let Him lead us.

we need to live in the Word.

live in Christ.

praise the Lord that we are able to do that!!!

- jillian

when God says "i love you"...

2012-01-19T22:21:00.000-06:00

some of my all-time favorite moments of worship is when the Holy Spirit just takes over and starts doing the praying.
when He just starts speaking and all i can do is listen.
this past wednesday i was with the youth, just loving our worship time...
and all of a sudden i was overwhelmed by God's love.
and the Spirit started speaking, showing me how God loves us.
some verses from Ephesians were read...

that He may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
ephesians 3: 16-19

Christ wants us to be rooted in and grounded in love.
He wants us to be rooted - He cares that we be filled and strengthened so that we won't be shaken. so we won't be moved.
He wants us to understand the incredible vastness of His love...
and what He was showing me in that moment was that He LOVES us.
and not in like a "i'm God so i love you because i love everyone" kind of way.
but in a deep, extremely personal way that only the one who created us could.
He knitted us in our mother's womb.
He loves us because He knows every single part of us.
He knows that you woke up with a crazy hair day and He smiles at His girl who puts on a defiant face and dares the world to say something about it.
He knows that you get nervous around that boy you think is so cute...and laughs because He knows you don't have to go to your locker, that happens to be right by his, between every class
He knows that you are so afraid that its going to be the mile run day in gym class
He knows that a surprise waits for you after a particularly awful day and He gets excited that He's about to see that really genuine smile on your face
He knows that you hide so that no one will see that you are all alone - and He's just praying that you'll hear Him saying "I love you, I'm here"
He sees you when everything is weighing down on you and He's pleading for you to just keep going because He knows that if you can just push a little further you will grow in ways you never knew possible.
all the times you think you are alone, the times you try so hard to be tough and just pray that no one will see through you -
He's there.
He sees you when no one else does.
He sees your tears
He hears your laughter
He knows your heart
He feels your desperation
He loves you so deeply...

Oh, how He loves us so!
let Him take care of you, let Him hug you, let Him be there for you.
and just let Him love you.
know that He knows about every little part of you and He cares about everything you're going through - because He knows how its all going to shape you.
He knows what He intended for you and how much He's able to pour into you.
only He knows.
don't be afraid to let Him in.
don't be afraid to let Him work in every part.
let Him show you that -
"that you may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."
- aren't just words to fill pages.
its Him making sure you know that He wants you to realize how He loves you.
God.
your creator.
the greatest lover of you.
in Isaiah 43 He says "for you are precious and honored in my eyes and i love you..."
let that sink in until you have that silly grin on your face and that blush on your cheeks.
because God loves you...
and He wants you to know.
and He wants you to love Him back.
who are we to say no to that?
:)

- jillian

are we there yet?

2012-01-15T17:09:00.001-06:00

i listened to a sermon the other day from Judah Smith that i really needed to hear.

and in the event anyone else needs to hear the same message -

i thought i'd share.

in Mark 6 it says...

Immediately after this, Jesus insisted that his disciples get back into the boat and head across the lake to Bethsaida, while he sent the people home. After telling everyone good-bye, he went up into the hills by himself to pray. Late that night, the disciples were in their boat in the middle of the lake, and Jesus was alone on land. He saw that they were in serious trouble, rowing hard and struggling against the wind and waves. About three o’clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on the water. He intended to go past them, but when they saw him walking on the water, they cried out in terror, thinking he was a ghost. They were all terrified when they saw him. But Jesus spoke to them at once. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage! I am here!” Then he climbed into the boat, and the wind stopped. They were totally amazed, for they still didn’t understand the significance of the miracle of the loaves. Their hearts were too hard to take it in. After they had crossed the lake, they landed at Gennesaret. They brought the boat to shore and climbed out.

the disciples got in the boat.

they worked really hard, struggling against their circumstances.

but they weren't getting anywhere.

Jesus came, the storm stopped.

and they made it to the other side.

there is no timeline, no way to know how long they were in the boat.

all we know is that they were told to get in the boat and cross the lake.

they did.

and eventually- they got across and onto the shore.

Judah tells a story about when he was a kid and, like all kids, would ask the infamous question-

are we there yet?

we all ask it - even though the car is still moving and it is OBVIOUS we are not there yet.

what we're really saying (in our incredibly subtle way) is -

i'm bored.

i'm restless.

i am OUT of things to do.

i have done everything i know to do and so WE NEED TO GET THERE.

and i KNOW i've been there.

i know i'm not where God promises i will be...

but i'm on my way.

and its hard and its a lot of work and i know i won't get there without Jesus.

but sometimes i get to a place where i have tried everything.

everything i know to do, everything i know how to do...

and i'm still. not. there.

so what do we do?

how do we stay in the boat, through the storm, sticking with the struggle,

eyes fixed on the other side?

how long will it take to get to where we're supposed to be?

when do we get to be on the other side?

and Judah says he's looked at all different translations, all different versions, at commentaries to see why these guys - these scared, hard-hearted disciples - got to get to the other side.

and there is only one thing he could find.

they stayed in the boat.

they just stayed in the boat.

Jesus took care of the rest.

and it sounds so simple - but sometimes the hardest thing to do is to just stay where God puts us.

to just let Him work and let Him use us...

even when it seems like we're not moving.

or when it seems like there is no hope left, nothing left WE can do.

Jesus has got it.

and we just need to let Him work.

He'll get us to the other side.

He'll fulfill His promises.

He's got the plan.

we just have to stay in the boat.

just stick with Him.

just because our dreams seem delayed -

does not mean they've been denied.

so meet with Him, know Him, trust Him.

and stay in the boat.

you can watch the sermon here if you want -
just click on Judah Smith.
thanks friends!

- jillian

quite enough of that...

2012-01-13T10:40:00.003-06:00

It’s a humbling moment when you realize that somehow you let satan get in your head.

When you realize that you allowed him to rob you of the very thing that God created you for.

When you started to listen to his voice…and started to believe that God may just have overestimated you.

don’t worry – this is not a “poor me” post.

I write this now, because although I recently realized these things and realized that I had somehow stopped expecting God to show up –

I ended up in God’s presence…

And it was like He looked at all the darkness and heaviness that surrounded me and just said –

“oh no, that’s quite enough of all this”

And He tore the veil that had somehow ended up between me and Him.

And I could SEE again.

Only God can do that.

and I remembered – I was called to create.

Being creative doesn’t wear me out - it brings me JOY.

Pulling events and shows and dramas and artwork and details and gifts together – brings me joy.

Brings me to life. It bring me closer to God.

It’s the thing that no matter how hard or difficult it gets – its still fun and exhilerating somehow.

It’s the thing that I never knew I loved before I met God.

Not because I took it for granted, but because it’s the part of me that only works when God’s using it.

And satan tried to take it.

He tried to make me believe I wasn’t gifted, that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t making an impact… And I probably never would.

And I got tired.

And I felt left behind.

And scared.

but when God smashed through the darkness, I remembered something… satan was right.

BUT what he FAILED to remind me of – is that it never was supposed to be me!

GOD has the gifts, GOD is more than enough, GOD is making an impact.

GOD IS DOING THIS!!!

All of it.

satan wants to rob you of the overwhelming, peace-giving, exhilarating joy that living in God’s plan gives – Because he can’t ever know it.

He wants to weigh you down with your inadequacy – when, like Paul said, it should be the very area that God gives us strength in! it’s the thing we should BOAST in -

where people can see God working MOST clearly!

So if you are listening to satan’s lies – STOP!

come before God and let Him break through them!

hear these words and believe them, even if its hard to do so.

God will use you.

God will give you everything you need to live out His plan.

God will show up.

God DOES KNOW YOU personally and is working on YOU, for the plan He has for YOU.

God has not and will never forget about you.

God will not give up on His plan.

God loves you. He LOVES LOVES LOVES you. (and He means it more than mr. darcy ever did…)

So start believing it. Because satan has used up enough of our time. His lies have been stealing our attention and robbing us of our joy for long enough.

And that is quite enough of that.

- jillian

worthless sacrifice

2012-01-11T23:36:00.002-06:00

sacrifice.

we all know that God asks things of us.

some are easy, some are fun, some are hard, some are crazy...

we know about the sacrifice God made in sending His Son to save us.

we know about all that He's done.

we KNOW that we're supposed to surrender us,

offer ourselves as a living sacrifice to Him.

the other day i was reading a new devotional book i got

and one of the days a missionary told a story about an African church where they would take an offering every week.

and people would make change from the offering for shopping in the market.

so this missionary was making change for someone and that person looked at one of the coins and said -

oh, i don't want this one, its worn - they won't take it in the market.

and the missionary was impacted by realizing that there were numerous of these coins in the offering...

worthless coins.

given away to fulfill an obligation, but not a real sacrifice.

and i just thought -

how many times do i "do what i should" because it doesn't require that much of me and it will make me feel like i'm fulfilling my "obligation" to God?
too often, i think.

how many times do i push away or not do what God is asking because

it will require me to be vulnerable...

or it will require "my" time...

or it will require "my" things/ money...

sure i may feel a little guilty ignoring it -

but the next time God speaks and He wants me to take someone i like out to coffee,

or He wants me to work on a new project,

or He wants me to speak or write...

and it fits just fine in my schedule -

i am ALL over it.

and added bonus - i'm obeying now, so it'll make us all forget the last time, right?

hmmm.

worthless sacrifice.

selective sacrifice.

complete and surrendered sacrifice.

any sacrifice is not necessarily the right sacrifice.

if it doesn't require something on my part...
if i'm only always doing what i want...

then its not being a living sacrifice for God.

its me fitting God into "my" life.

and what does Jesus think about making sacrifices part of the "to do" list?
when He saw that the religious people were willing to sell the animals that were to be sacrificed for high prices, making unnecessary profits off
of the very thing people were told to do to be closer to God ...

Jesus entered the Temple and began to drive out all the people buying and selling animals for sacrifice. He knocked over the tables of the money changers and the chairs of those selling doves. He said to them, “The Scriptures declare, ‘My Temple will be called a house of prayer,’ but you have turned it into a den of thieves!” --Matthew 21

when the sacrifices made started to benefit man rather than God...

Jesus put a stop to it.

and not subtely.

why?

because our motives matter.

if we are just doing things "because we're supposed to"...

we're lost.

we're missing the whole point.

we're not living a life led by God.

and Jesus isn't ok with that.

we weren't meant to be lost.

so He's not just watching me conveniently skip the things that will require a sacrifice on my part,

while i so "selflessly" jump on the opportunities that i enjoy...

and the ones that i somehow end up in the middle of that i didn't necessarily want to be-

am i actually pouring myself into it?

am i actually seeking God's will in it - even if its uncomfortable?

am i just doing enough to make myself feel good?

Unseal my lips, O Lord, that my mouth may praise you. You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God. Psalm 51: 16-17

God doesn't ask to be fit into our lives.

He asks to be the driving force behind everything we do, think or say.

and He promises that its all for our good.

anything asked of us - is worth it.

- jillian

a dream guy

2012-01-09T20:36:00.000-06:00

one of the things that stood out to me this weekend at empower

was from a breakout session with lindsay arnold.

she talked to us about why we maybe don't always feel like princesses.

she asked how many of us had ever had crushes on a boy.

and while we were still getting to know him - we learned the things we really love about him.

and when we're not with him, we think about him.

and because we don't know everything yet,

the things we don't know -

we fill in.

(what? girls do this?)

and in our minds we have a (somewhat justified but not totally accurate) idealized version of this guy.

which is fine.

until we actually get to know him and learn something that contradicts it.

and then we are either disillusioned...

or we try to change him.

there's not necessarily anything wrong with dreaming up qualities in a guy.

but when we fill in the blanks of what we don't know about God...

we can end up with a very wrong idea.

which is why we need to know Him.

we need to get it right from Him, from His Word...

get to know who He actually is and

not just who we would really like Him to be.

not that He's not good,

or loving

or holy

or powerful

or just

or any good thing we could dream up.

He is all of the above...and so much more.

but it was a good reminder to me to know God for who He tells us He is

and not end up resentful and disappointed when everything doesn't work out the way

i dreamed it up.

God is perfect.

we need to trust that nothing we dream up will ever be as good as what/ who He actually is.

and be willing to get to know Him for who He is...

and fall in love :)

- jillian

a moment of honesty

2012-01-07T20:11:00.001-06:00

God's timing is perfect.

what i needed more than anything was to take the time to be honest with God.

to really listen.

and then Empower happened.

i spent the day with some really amazing ladies, listening to beautiful Steph Page speak powerful truth, and worshipping with literally THE most incredible group of musicians/singers i've heard.

so blessed.

i've been weighed down lately.

really weighed down.

and i was fully aware of my inadequacy... :)

but what i didn't realize is that every time i thought "i can't do this" -

i wasn't going to God with it...

i was just realizing it...and then avoiding doing anything.

which is why i wasn't motivated to work on things and why satan was able to weigh me down.

but today -

Steph talked about a time when she felt so inadequate - but God was calling, and she didn't have a choice so she stepped up and just took the step.

and God proved faithful. He took care of it.

she couldn't do it on her own, all she had to do was wake up and get out of bed.

God took care of the rest.

but it was living in faith, believing that He was going to come through.

so today i took some time and

for the first time i didn't make excuses, i didn't avoid the thoughts, i didn't push it away...

i just told God that i know i am so inadequate for everything He's asking of me right now.

SO inadequate.

and instead of feeling beat down and hopeless...

God was right there to say -

"i know you're tired, i know its hard...but I haven't left you.

this isn't happening by accident.

I'm here - but i need you to move, to do what i'm asking"

and i just can't explain the peace i have right now.

i haven't felt it in a long time.

because i know that He knows that He's asking me to do things i can't do on my own -

not to shame me, not expecting me to impress Him - but to show me who He is.

and i know that all i need to do is just move, and He'll do the rest.

sure its hard.

absolutely it can get overwhelming...

but the fact is...

is that God will come through.

every.

time.

so if you are feeling inadequate - don't just try to do better.

because it won't work.

acknowledge it,

bring it before God,

and let Him be there for you.

trust Him.

know Him.

and be in awe of His faithfulness.

every time.

- jillian

no more lies.

2012-01-01T13:46:00.002-06:00

its truly amazing how quick being in the presence of Jesus breaks through ALL the lies you've started to believe and brings you right back to His truth.

i didn't realize how distant i've felt from Him, how long its been since i've really been in His presence...

until i walked into it.

and all the craziness and confusion and lies that have been battling for my mind -

He smashed through.

and it felt SO good to see Him so clearly again.

to remember the truth.

now i just need to not go back there.

just look forward, listening to His truths.

so thankful for Pastor Ivan and Edinbrook for creating a time to meet with God this morning.

i was blessed.

God is just so good.

satan is persuasive...

SO persuasive.

but we should never forget that for all satan's hard work -

a moment in the presence of God can silence it all.

thats power.

that's the God we serve.

HALLELUJAH!

- jillian

2012

2012-01-01T02:31:00.000-06:00

2012...

this has been a crazy year.
and the past few months have been really hard for me spiritually.
i'm not sure why - but i know there is a battle happening.
and i've let it beat me down and wear me out...but God has been fighting for me and my heart and i'm so done with letting satan win even a little bit.
and by the grace of God - no matter how distracted or tired or complacent i get...He's still there.
still encouraging.
still calling.
still loving.
so even though its hard - i'm starting 2012 fighting.
fighting for what God wants.
fighting to silence the lies satan seems to never tire of pouring into me.
fighting to be a reflection of God in this world.
the way we are all designed to be.

i know that this year so far will include me learning to be a better case manager, learning how to be a board member, meeting a new pastor of Edinbrook Church, creating new things for ALIVE, getting to know God more...

but that's all i got.
there are lots of details to be filled in - and i know that all of those things, the known and the unknown, will depend on me depending on God for leading and guidance.
and i need to be intentional about that.
we all do.
about spending time with Him, getting to know Him, letting Him change us and letting that show through - and REFLECT His glory to the world around us.
time passes so fast.
opportunities disappear so fast.
we need to be prepared for when they come.
its too important.
God's promise of eternal life is real...
and if that is real - then our time here is too valuable to waste.
no more listening to lies.
no more pushing God aside.
this world may have a lot of boys and fun and fame and money and parties and whatever to offer...
but i just need Jesus.
i need Him.

so here's to 2012...
may this be a year filled with new revelations of God's holiness and His perfect plan. may we know Him deeper than we have before. may we hear Him clearer than we ever have. may we follow Him farther than we ever thought to imagine.

be blessed friends!
and praying for a blessed, strengthening, refining, abundant new year for us all!!!!!

- jillian

some things that come to mind...

2011-12-22T00:26:00.001-06:00

this is gonna be another random post of things on my mind...

- i cannot believe that christmas is this sunday. i remember as a kid - waiting and counting down days for weeks before christmas. by this point i was like camped out under the tree - dreaming of what i was going to get.

but now - it snuck up :) and more than the presents - i'm loving listening to christmas music and just being reminded how incredible God is to free us the way He did by sending His son the way He did, shopping for random christmas-y clothing with friends who have been too far away for too long and doing fun christmas-y things - like holiday potlucks, happy hours and parties :)

- i'm 99% sure i'll be wearing my ugly christmas sweater to work tomorrow.

- i had a movie night with friends tonight and we watched a movie that i love.

i've posted on it before...i won't go into it all now - but if you want to read it, its on the movie warrior.

and its possible that i'm slightly obsessed and its not actually that great of a movie - but for whatever reason, it SPEAKS to me so much. idk, its just such a great picture.

and it really makes me want to look at my heart and make sure i'm not holding onto any senseless anger or bitterness. because i don't want to look like those people.

- i've eaten more chocolate in the last two weeks than i have in the entire rest of my life.

(that might sound like an exaggeration...but its prb not)

- i'm reading a new book.

its called "It's Your Call" by Gary Barkalow.

and friends - God is rocking my world through it...for real.

its all about hearing God's calling and living out God's calling, etc.

and it. is. so. good.

just a glimpse...

"Because of the work of Christ for you and in you, you are now a revelation of God's splendor, His image bearer. You are not simply an object of God's forgiveness and tolerance. There is a brilliance, a magnificence to your life that you are to take responsibility for: the splendor of your life - not simply what has been taken away, but what has been given to you"

"Scripture tells us that all of heaven waits with great anticipation to see if we will discover, own and offer the splendor that God has given us: "Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us" (heb 12:1) This "race marked out for us" is about something far weightier than our church attendance, giving, or volunteerism. Its about the world experiencing the aspect of God's glory that you carry."

i love that. its about so much more than us. God's plan is SOOO big. too big for us to not find out what our calling is.

good stuff, huh? i'm on page 122 of this...

its a lot.

but its making me think and pray a lot...about stuff i've avoided really hearing the answer to for a long time.

- i've got one more day of work left this week...yay!

- i really need a haircut/color/something.

- i was named "employee of the month" at work this month...

and no - i will not be signing autographs...i normally would, but its christmas and all...

- its real late...and i am getting up early tomorrow for a really long busy day!

yay for short weeks, good books, snow, christmas parties and ugly sweaters!!!

have a blessed day friends!

- jillian

the joy of the season

2011-12-19T21:42:00.002-06:00

sometimes these days i really feel like a grown up.

like when i get on the bus...

or when i walk into my office building w/all the other corporate people...

or when my desk looks like this...

but then there are other times when i feel like a 5 year old.

like when i sit at the desk filled with mail and answering all kinds of questions about the insurance application process...

eating a lunch like this.

looks good, huh?

or the times when i go to church to spend the evening at a christmas party with ALIVE,

making ice castles.

with sugar cubes and candy :)

we have the "indiana jones temple"

"the cute house"

peyton's "wonders of the world ruins"

"fire house?"

and "massacre"

fancy, huh?

who says you have to be a grown up all the time?

sometimes you just have to walk away from the piles of mail,

eat some tator tots,

and make some ice castles.

God's work and God's call can be very hard.

it can be very challenging.

it is never ending.

but that doesn't mean it can't be fun too.

today at work a coworker was so excited because the soda she took out of the freezer had the PERFECT amount of ice formed on the top of it.

and we said - its the small things that God can use to make you smile.

and if we're not paying attention, not willing to relax

or laugh

or play -

we may miss them all.

we need to take time to get to know God so we can see Him working,

get to see the way He blesses us,

and get to take the opportunities to play with Him.

one of the Christmas songs' lyrics that hit me the other day was "o come all ye faithful".

i've sang this song 8,000 times...and for the first time i'm wondering why we don't sing it along with a celebration dance every time???

the words say this -

o come all ye faithful

joyful and triumphant!

o come ye, o come ye to Bethlehem

...come let us adore Him

in other words.............

all you people who have struggled and waited and prayed for this very moment

you faithful people -you come now! why? because Jesus has COME. lets celebrate - knowing that the very thing we've waited so long and so desperately for- is HERE

come to bethlehem - why? because He's here! your peace is here. Lets celebrate and adore Him!

its so easy to get caught up in the stress and craziness and sometimes monotony of this season...

which is why its such a blessing to take some moments to hear a song in a new way,

play with sugar cubes,

laugh at white elephant gifts,

and hope for some snow :)

remembering to celebrate the day that God fulfilled His promise to us.

its a beautiful, joyous time of year friends :)

make sure we don't forget to smile

;)

-ALIVE

- jillian

always a surprise

2011-12-13T21:32:00.000-06:00

things i never thought i would use to describe myself...

case manager for a financial planning company

leader of an art ministry

rider of the city bus

fan of the gym

member of the Board of Directors at Edinbrook Church

that...

is God's plan.

also not part of my plan?

failing at filming videos.

it just shouldn't be as hard as i seem to make it.

i think maybe God is making it clear...it is not my gift.

and i need to just let go of it and let other people do it.

so if you are good at videoing and you're reading this and looking for a place to serve?

well - let me know.

we may have a place for you on the ALIVE team.

just sayin...

i'll be praying and waiting and trying not to be SO frustrated.

anyways - Sunday morning i had to share my testimony, kind of "introduce myself" to the congregation as a potential board member so people could vote on whether or not i should be a member.

soooooooooooo nervous.

SO nervous.

i practiced and wrote and edited and panicked...

haha

but i got to church and my sweet friends prayed for me and i just did it.

and God TOOK OVER.

i have no idea how He did it...

but i don't need to know.

i didn't say um,

i didnt trip,

i was coherent...

and apparently seemed legit enough to be voted in.

i have no idea what is to come for me...

i didn't plan on any of this -

so i have no idea where its leading.

the things i want to do, are not working.

the things i never would have thought to do - are falling into place.

i'm finding new meaning in the passage from Proverbs 3 that says -

"lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight"

He is the only one who knows the path.

we need to look to Him for where to go, not create our own.

and He will get all the glory.

- jillian

waiting...

2011-12-10T21:47:00.001-06:00

drinking hot chocolate.

blasting some Hillsong United.

prepping for "speech" i have to give tomorrow.

praying.

i am getting voted on tomorrow -

if i will be on the Board of Directors or not.

im nervous.

its not like - am i better than the running mate or not...there are no running mates.

its just a "will she do a good job or not?"

thats intimidating.

and the "ugh"part...

is that i have done all i can do.

and now i just have to go to sleep,

keep praying,

say my piece (preferably without tripping or freezing),

and wait.

its so weird.

i've just never thought about ever running...

(read "inadequate" post)

and i keep having the thought "it would be easier to just not go through with it, because then there won't be a vote and i'll never have to know if everyone would have voted no".

so...i'm just pushing that out.

haha

that is not a helpful thought.

so if you are reading this and you think about it -

pray that God will just take over my words and my appearance and everything...

please pray that God's will will be done.

if He doesn't actually want me on the board, that's fine.

if He does, that's fine.

i just want it to be Him.

i just wish it would be done right this moment so i didn't have to be nervous now ;)

oh man.

good night friends!

- jillian

downtime

2011-12-08T22:36:00.001-06:00

i'm totally getting caught up on blogs tonight.

love it.

i forgot how much i LOVE them and how much they encourage me.

good stuff.

you know you're reading something Holy Spirit led when the thing you're reading convicts you so thoroughly - yet you walk away from it encouraged and wanting to change.

only God.

its amazing how distracted you can get when life gets busy.

i was SOOO busy...and i feel like its FINALLY calming down a bit.

and i get to do things like read blogs :)

and think about ALIVE :)

and realize that i have slacked on a few things and i need to get back

to planning, brainstorming, dreaming,

back to leading,

back to praying over the ministries i'm involved in,

and praying for guidance,

and

getting INTO HIS WORD.

i am just craving it.

luckily - i'm also not able to fall asleep before midnight anymore so...

i've got the time! ;)

also...i am LOVING taking the bus -

holla for having some built in downtime.

it. is. so. great.

and what's also great?

its FRIDAY in just a little bit!

also - my friend breann is coming HOME for a little while!!!

yay!

my friend who would watch boy movies with me and go out to eat and eat so much sugar and never eat "chunks" of food...

i've missed her a lot and she'll be here soon!

so fun :)

ok...

off to try to get some sleep :)

- jillian

inadequate

2011-12-07T23:00:00.001-06:00

inadequate.

its an ugly word.

its an ugly feeling...on its own.

but Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:9 -

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

Paul says he'll not only deal with his weaknesses - but he'll BOAST of his inadequacies.
why?
because if people know all about his inadequacies -
they'll see God work all the more clearly in them.

so maybe its not such an ugly word...if we're willing to humble ourselves, acknowledge them, and... let them show - so everyone can see God use them.
lately God has called me to some things that just don't feel like "me".
i'm working as a case manager, in an office 40+ hrs a week - and its difficult and so challenging and humbling and crazy...
but i'm learning it - and i'm even starting to get kind of comfortable and enjoy it.
however - i can't shake the feeling that i am SO inadequate for it!
i'm young, i know not much about medical things and insurance and finances, i didnt go to school for it, i'm not decisive (should i go on???)...i'm just not.
there you go - honest moment. i just don't know.
(what - jillian doesn't know everything? are you sure?....yes. i'm sure ;) )
i'm a procrastinator - i'm learning to be efficient...but i'm not there yet.
and the idea that people are disappointed in my work - is a tough idea to risk.

in addition....i recently was nominated for the Board of Directors at Edinbrook.
crazy, right?
i can PROMISE you that there is no way i ever once pictured myself on the board.
but i was nominated.
and honestly its like God just kept me from rationalizing things throughout the process - because i submitted an application, i went through an interview, i submitted more things about myself...
and now that i stop to think about it? its crazy.
but on sunday - i'm being voted on.
do i feel inadequate to be a part of a group of influential, visionary adults in charge of casting the vision for the church i've grown up in?
yes.
and to top it all off - this sunday i am getting up on stage to share about me.
(before they vote, i might add)

i'll admit it.
i'm nervous.
i just feel so inadequate for all of these things i'm stepping into right now...
like me...really???
but i know without a doubt that its God's plan.
He's the one leading and guiding...
and for that reason and that reason alone -
i am able to say
that i'm not good enough.
i'm not smart enough.
i'm not organized enough.
i'm not bold enough.
but God is.

so when you look at me doing anything remotely influential or bold or deep...
see Him working in BIG ways.
because that's not me.
i personally choose to work only behind the scenes, take no risks and just do the things that sound like fun...however - that doesn't seem to be God's plan for me.

i have no idea what will happen.
i have no idea if i'll trip walking up the steps or stutter over all my words.
i have no idea what people will vote.
i have no idea if i'll mess up every case i'm working on at work.
i have no control over any of it.
its not ME!
as much as i would love to have control and KNOW that i'm good at what i'm being called to...
its just not the case.

and its in the moments when God takes away all the confidence you have in yourself -
that you know He's about to do something.
so pay attention...
because it won't be easy
and it will have to be intentional -
but let go.
take a deep breath.
and go forward anyways.
even if you have NO idea how you are the one being called to do it...
embrace your inadequacy.
and let God show the world how He is more than enough.

- jillian

christmas gift baskets

2011-12-06T19:38:00.001-06:00

another exciting glimpse into the life of Jillian: Case Manager.

today i found this in my area...

you know - so all the really important people that come visit me can have a place to sit.

its just awkward when i make them stand while i recline in my very comfortable new chair.

so its nice to have a chair there. ;)

also - one of the perks/curses of working with insurance carriers who we send business to

is that at about this time every year -

the christmas cards come...

and they usually come attached to some sort of elaborate food basket.

in the form of flavored popcorn

or baskets of chocolate

or randomness...

on the surface you think - oh cute, crackers and things...

but then you dig into it.

today we found smoked salmon

crackers

chocolate

chips

licorice

oh...

and caviar.

yeah - we're fancy.

and its just the beginning of december.

oh man.

there is food everywhere in the office right now...

if i go do my mail - this basket is there.

if i make a copy or print something - bucket of popcorn.

if i walk in the door - a box of chocolate.

not exactly what you might call "healthy" food.

its fine -

because our building is also having breakfast for the building's tenants.

yeah...

good thing there's also a gym on the first floor.

and this holiday only comes once a year...

- jillian

ransomed

2011-12-04T17:38:00.001-06:00

Ransomed.

you know all those kidnapping movies you watch?

(well - i assume i'm not the only one...but maybe i am)

where someone/something gets kidnapped and then the family gets the phone call...

"give me ________ and you will get your _________ back"

leverage.

the other day i heard the song

"Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone)" by Chris Tomlin

and the word "ransomed" stood out.

My chains are gone, i've been set free

My Savior, God has ransomed me.

and i just got this picture of God paying our ransom.

we were held and bound. the truth of the matter is that we were in line to die.

and there was nothing we could do to work our way out of it.

in the movies - the bad guys never say "ok, i guess if we don't get the _______, we'll let you go if you do this, this and this for us"

no.

they want what they want and if they don't get it - chances are the kidnapped doesn't make it through.

(unless, of course, the cops figure it out and show up at the last possible second)

but, like the song says, God paid our ransom.

we were held, we were doomed - and God came in and paid it for us.

yay, right??? we're free and God is so good.

except one thing hit me when i sang those words...

the difference is that in those movies, MOST of the time - the thing/person that gets taken is an innocent bystander. they are in the wrong place at the wrong time OR they are related to the wrong person.

its just unfortunate and they have in no way deserved the situation they are in.

but we...

WE were given rules.

we were given a way to live and an explanation as to what God wanted from us.

He laid out what would happen if we didn't follow those rules...

were told that He wanted to protect us and He wanted us to have eternal life.

and we broke the rules.

we turned away.

we told Him we didn't care.

we didn't want to follow those rules.

we walked away.

we ignored Him when He spoke.

we stood by while He was pushed aside.

and because of that...we deserved what we were told would happen...

death.

an obscenely high ransom was placed on our lives - because of the position we placed ourselves in.

that ransom = the ultimate sacrifice.

Jesus - who did nothing wrong had to

become sin,

be crucified for all to watch,

be mocked...

and just take it all.

just let it happen.

knowing that - would YOU save us?

or would you say - "good riddens, i warned you.

you did this yourself."

this ransom wasn't just a few million dollars from a bank account.

this ransom was pain and suffering - for people who deserved everything they would have gotten.

but He paid it.

OUR SAVIOR, OUR GOD - HE RANSOMED ME.

HE RANSOMED US!

our chains are GONE, we've been SET FREE.

that is love, my friends.

i don't understand it, i can't comprehend it...

but i have no choice but to worship a God that loves that deeply, that humbly and that powerfully.

in the movies when the kidnapped is ransomed and they are set free -

there is usually a picture of them running to their loved ones, just so grateful for the fact that they have a second chance at freedom -that they made it through. that someone loved them enough to do what it took to get them back.

we've been set free. God saw us in bondage - and He did what it took to get us back.

we HAVE that second chance at being free -

run to Him.

hug Him.

thank Him.

and LIVE for Him.

get to know the one who loved you enough to pay the ransom that was placed on your life...

just so that His plan would be fulfilled.

and dwell on the fact that He saved YOU so that His plan could be fulfilled...

what does that mean for us?

only He knows...

- jillian

hot chocolate and homemade marshmallows

2011-12-03T21:00:00.001-06:00

oh Christmas.

its one of the only times of the year when sitting at home

with hot chocolate

in a lovely christmas mug

with homemade (yes homemade, and no - i didnt make them) marshmallows

a blanket

and some super cheesy Christmas movies playing on the Hallmark channel

while the snow falls outside

makes for a great evening.

i woke up this morning to a sister who was frantically trying to get the car started so she could get to work on time.

the key wouldn't turn...

so i tried.

wouldn't work.

so she took my car.

i kept trying to get it started because i had a youth meeting to get to - but no luck.

no luck and no car = me. stuck at home. and up early.

i sat down, thought about going to back to sleep...

but then i thought - ok. maybe i should do something.

haha

so i sat down and sent emails i've been putting off,

started brainstorming for upcoming things i've been putting off,

worked on writing out my testimony that i've been putting off -

are we seeing a trend here?

no one can procrastinate QUITE like i can...

luckily God intervenes sometimes and gives us those times when we have no choice but to get stuff done.

so it was a blessing in disguise.

when i did get a car - i ventured out and returned some things and somewhere in the time that i left and the time i headed home -

a blizzard started...?

and the roads were awful.

it took me forever to get home from Target and i was getting frustrated.

haha

and maybe its just me - but i feel like icy roads and traffic and frustration are prb not a good combination.

it didn't help that i apparently didnt have enough coffee today and headaches were coming on strong.

by the time i got home, i decided that i was going to take advantage of the rest of this day and get some more things done, turn on some christmas music and make one of those lovely cups of hot chocolate pictured at the beginning of this post.

not the most exciting saturday night and not what i had planned to be doing -

haha

but sometimes boring is necessary.

love it.

here's to hot chocolate and snowy nights in ;)

- jillian

its the little things

2011-12-02T20:55:00.001-06:00

happy friday friends!

today we got a little present from work...

new chairs!

its amazing how exciting a new chair can be...

haha

but really - this was a good day.

its so comfortable!

and i realized how much i didnt know that my old chair was awful.

exciting stuff...

i know.

but someday - you will get a new chair too :)

i also got to help some people at church put up the christmas trees in the worship center.

now - i love helping.

i love christmas.

i love working with people.

i even love doing mindless tasks for awhile.

and its not that i MIND working on something tedious for long periods of time that has to look good at the end...

its just that i really believe that i wasnt designed for it.

haha

so after i helped fluff the trees :)

and had some cookies and cider...

they asked if i wanted to help put lights on one of the trees.

well - sure, i can help.

and in all fairness i did warn them ahead of time.

just a note for the future -

just because someone is creative and "artsy" does not, i repeat, does NOT mean they are good with crafts/decorating.

that requires a lot of patience.

i think the creative side of me actually cancels out the patience.

haha

but i tried.

and it worked for a little while.

however - everyone was ready to leave and my tree (sadly, the one on the left - the half done tree with the lights that are far apart and random-like) looked like this.

i would have kept going...

but i know that someone was going to end up fixing it

and i felt like i was maybe doing more harm than good by putting more on.

and i am ok with it.

i'm humble enough to admit -

i am not good at decorating.

there it is.

and now you know.

other things i'm not good at that i just don't understand how it can be hard...

- cutting things with an Xacto knife...especially foam core

- baking

- sewing...any type of sewing at all

its ok though - i just have to find other things to fill my time :)

so i will get to that...

i've got some free time.

i think i remember what that word means...

happy weekend!

enjoy!

- jillian

refining

2011-12-02T17:00:00.000-06:00

do you ever have those moments when you think you're doing so great

and then God gives you a glimpse into a part of your heart...

and it doesn't look quite like you just assumed it did?

sometimes we get to see into a part of ourselves we have avoided or overlooked for awhile -

and it really just catches us off guard.

like -
"i really feel like that? shoot."

and its a hard moment.

because no one wants to have to acknowledge that there might be darkness

or anger

or bitterness

or selfishness

or jealously

or resentment

in their hearts...

but the truth of the matter... is that there just might be.

and its really easy and actually pretty convenient to just overlook it.

to ignore it and pretend like if you just keep going like normal for long enough -

it'll just pass and then you won't have to worry about it-

no one will see it and yes, an opportunity to share God's word or share His love might have been missed, but for now - you're good.

it sounds so sad to say it like that, huh?

but how often do we do it???

i just recently caught a glimpse into a part of my heart that i thought was really on track,

an area that i thought i was really doing good in.

but when tested, when tried - lets just say there's work to be done.
:)

in that moment of realization we have a choice.

we can try to justify it and look away...

or we can suck it up, really look at it, acknowledge that it needs to change -

and do what it takes to get rid of it.

its a battle.

choosing between being truly free and living life trying to justify everything.

it might seem like an awful thing to be confronted with the humanness of your heart at times...

but maybe its a great blessing.

because if we never know what's really in there -

if we're never really willing to look at it -

how will we ever get rid of the things that eat at us or hold us back?

how will we ever truly be free to really love people? to love God?

a line from a song from The Fray that i love...

"we'd never know what's wrong without a pain..."

the pain hurts - but what if our body just destructed and we never knew?

the pain gives us a heads up - saying, hey somethings wrong, you should fix it!

we don't like to go through hard times because we might not like what we see in our reaction...

but if we were never tested - how would we ever know if something is destroying our heart?

the trick is not not feeling the pain-
its whether or not we're willing to find out whats really wrong...
regardless of what it will take to fix it.

And I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, 'They are my people'; and they will say, 'The LORD is my God.'"

zechariah 13: 9

- jillian

a new reason to love black friday

2011-11-26T16:36:00.001-06:00

black friday.

i don't think i've ever participated in black friday.

only heard the stories.

lots of people i know get up at 3am and go on a mission.

that never appealed to me.

i'm not what you might call a "mission shopper".

i like to wander.

and i'm for sure not proactive enough to plan out what i'm getting people a month before christmas.

but this year i was looking at catalogues and i got motivated.

so i woke up "early"...ahem. around 730.

didnt really get ready...aka put my hair in a ponytail, left my sweatpants on and put on a tshirt and a sweatshirt.

no makeup involved.

it was one of those times when you picture yourself looking actually cute...

and then you see the mirror.

and all you can say is "oh."

but somehow...it just seemed justified to be out in public looking so scrubby and tired - because everyone else woke up so early and was so crazy...

and then at some point i realized that it was about noon.

and i had actually gotten up at about 730.

so i absolutely could have gotten ready.
and was just walking around multiple malls looking like i had just woken up.

and at first i thought - oh man. please don't see anyone you know...
(which didn't last very long...i saw a few)
and then i thought - hmmm...
i'm fine with this. it feels justified.
black friday?
no need to get ready.
its just the way it is.
and i'm fine with it.

:)

discounts, sales, adventure - all good reasons to venture out.
but my new favorite?
because you don't even have to get ready before you go.

so next year - enjoy!
:)

- jillian

its a beautiful thing

2011-11-24T20:20:00.001-06:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

i love this season.

i love the 4 day weekend.

i love being at church on wednesday night, focusing on gratitude.

i love having pie and talking to people i don't get to talk to very often.

i love the smell of thanksgiving food.

i love sleeping in on a thursday.

i love having family time.

i love the relaxing time.

i love the constant reminder to be thankful...so thankful for all i have.

this year -

i'm thankful for seeing so many people finding their gifts.

its such a blessing to see God revealing His calling in peoples lives...

and just seeing how they come alive in it.

its a beautiful thing.

today i went to church where a whole bunch of people

were getting food ready

cooking

and

setting tables...

and we spent the day with some edinbrookers - some i knew and some i had never met before,

some families from other towns,

some homeless people...

just a really really great variety of people.

we ate some AWESOME food

played some basketball

watched some football

had some great conversations and laughed and just hung out.

it was a blessing to be able to provide a time like that for a bunch of people.

and all the people helping out STEPPED UP to make people feel so welcome.

it was such a great day.

and we had SO much food leftover

so a bunch of people took it and drove people back downtown and passed out meals to people they ran into. and got rid of about 50 more meals.

something else i am so thankful for is that even when we make bad decisions

and get ourselves in bad situations...

and continue to do so...

over and over...

whether we're homeless or we're living in the suburbs -

whether we've hit rock bottom or we've been blessed for some reason with the encouragement needed to keep going...

God never lets go.

and He's designed His body in such a way that we can make our own decisions - but we look after each other in such a way that we're never left all alone for good.

i'm just realizing that for all the times i've been ready to give up, so tired and discouraged - there is always SOMEONE there ready to encourage or help or support me.

its so important that we remember to be that for each other.

sometimes people just need to hear some encouragement...

even if its one nice word out of a million mean ones -

at least they've heard one.

there's some hope.

and i am so thankful that i have never been without hope.

that i never will be.

none of us should ever be without hope.

tell people when you notice good in them.

tell people you appreciate them and are thankful for them.

notice people and make them feel loved and known.

God wants us to know we are loved and cherished.

and that is why our God is so good.

and im so thankful for that :)

- jillian

football in the snow always seemed like a good idea...

2011-11-19T23:19:00.001-06:00

so...

today was st cloud's first playoff game.

st cloud state vs wayne state

as we arrived it had started to snow.

i thought, oh - this is kind of fun :)

and then it kept snowing...

so what do you do when the field is covered with snow?

you shovel out the lines...obviously.

and then it kept snowing...

and at first you try to brush off the snow.

after awhile...you just let it happen.

it was definitely a nail-biter.

its been awhile since i've watched a really good football game...with st cloud just killing the last couple teams they played and the vikings killing me by playing so "well".

so it was fun.

and we were all getting pretty into the game...

and then they lost.

it was not happy.

38-48

so they're done, its kind of a bummer.

so with the game lost,

leaving FREEZING cold and soaking wet,

silver lining anyone?

well - with the season over, jared gets to shave his beard!

oh wait...he decided that its just so warm having a beard. so he is going to shave once a year from now on.

awesome.

we left the game, dripping wet and covered with 3 hrs worth of snowfall

carrying 3 soaking wet fleece blankets

and trying to find my car among the hundreds of other snow-covered cars...

i found it.

and brushed it off.

and turned the heat on.

i even got out of the parking lot...

to the bro's apt...

out to dinner...

warmed up a bit...

bought some new windshield wiper blades...

put them on/ watched cousin-in-law and brother put them on...

said hello to the cats...

and then took a nap while my mom drove home

and i am finally getting warm

its nice.

welcome back winter!

- jillian

when God's people come together to worship

2011-11-18T23:34:00.001-06:00

home after 2 hours of WORSHIPPING with Hillsong Live.

i have watched so many of their concerts on dvds and in videos and everything and i have wanted so many times to be in that crowd...experiencing God right there with them...

and somehow tonight, i got to go :)

and all i can say is - how do we ever forget how GOOD God is???

we sang Mighty to Save.

you know -

Savior, you can move the mountains

You are mighty to save, You are mighty to save

Forever, author of salvation

You rose and conquered the grave, yes you conquered the grave.

and i've sung that a million times.

and it was good this time.

and maybe the second time through i was watching some other people worshipping (in the midst of thousands)

and they were like pumping their fists and fully surrendered before God...

and i realized what i was singing in a new way -

SAVIOR!!! You can move the freakin MOUNTAINS!

You are mighty enough to SAVE even me from all i've done.

FOREVER

you, the author of my salvation...

you rose and conquered the grave?????? who DOES that?

i'll tell you. JESUS - MY Jesus...HE conquers the grave.

so lets worship Him like we MEAN it.

pump your fist in the air and say it with conviction -

MY Jesus conquers even the freakin grave, people!

(war cry) :)

and don't forget it.

there is something POWERFUL about a room full of passionate worshippers, all getting to a place of just needing to worship/ be in awe/ sing/ scream how GOOD God is - all together...

God shows up and things happen.

its good.

we can sing words all we want but we cannot miss the power of what we are actually saying when we do. that's God we're talking to - and He's definitely worth getting excited about :)

be blessed!

(a little glimpse...:) )

- jillian

what the world has to offer...

2011-11-16T23:18:00.001-06:00

not a great picture of the drawing -

but when our plans for this wednesday's creativeness fell through and we prayed for a new idea...

God gave us one.

LOVE this team.

"it is as if the cross of Christ creates a barrier between the old me and the new me..."

a quote from a bible study my sweet friend Amanda was reading and called to tell me about.

and from there - the idea formed.

and so a picture showing the intense contrast...

between who we are w/out God - never enough, constantly lacking, dead, hopeless.

and who we are once we accept Jesus' gift of dying on the cross -

full of life and living in freedom.

the left side is what the world truly has to offer.

the right side is what God offers.

the cross of Christ allows us to cross over...

and never ever ever have to look back.

because we're free in Him.

Romans 8 says because of Jesus' death on the cross - we are no longer under any obligation to do what the flesh tells us!

we are FREE to live as children of God.

amen to that.

lots of spiritual warfare tonight...

but God SHOWED UP.

love it.

and He created.

i think there are few things i love more than arting to worship music - especially when its played by our incredible band.

its really just incredible how God shows up.

and so fun to do it with my sister :)

(she did the bright colorful one)

be blessed friends!

and LIVE IN FREEDOM! :)

- jillian

a full weekend!

2011-11-13T18:14:00.001-06:00

does anyone else just really love weekends?

friday

i accomplished a lot at work.

it felt good to leave and finally feel pretty caught up.

then i got to hang out with my friend sarah who i hardly ever get to see anymore.

it was so fun to just hang out and talk and laugh and eat lots of carbs and go see a movie...

you know, normal things. :)

saturday

i got up early

decorated a cake

worked on a flier

got some coffee

and drove up to st cloud for my brother's last normal season game of the year.

there was a bunch of us, so it was fun to see family i haven't seen in awhile...

and watch them win...(ahem) 47-14.

then we went back to jared's apartment to play with the kitties

and out to dinner with the fam for some mexican food.

from there we went into becker for our cousin's girlfriends/our friend's birthday party!

it was quite the adventure...

but it was fun.

we got to hang out, celebrate, have fun with the family and laugh a lot.

even dance a little bit ;)

so fun.

and we finally got home around 230.

oh man.

sunday

got up early...sooo tired.

got some coffee

and then off to church to teach the next segment of Platforms class...

storytelling - part 2.

here's God's timing for you -

this is the ONE class i've planned to have mostly participation from the class and not me talking that much. and i woke up this morning with an awful sore throat...

really not wanting to talk very much.

haha

perfect.

but i had them play a little improv game & get in groups to make dramas out of passages i gave them.

and for it being sunday morning and acting being something not a LOT of ppl love to do -

they got really into it and it was so fun!

it was like a giant ALIVE group. haha

but it was fun to watch them be creative and play with it.

what they don't know is im secretly watching them and paying attention to who is good at what - so i can make them do it later. :)

haha

but really.

so it was a good morning.

and as always - a really great morning at church.

so great.

and after, i came home.

ate some lunch.

and took a nap.

a long nap.

it was nice.

and now i'm off to the CD Release Party at Edinbrook Church.

loving what God is doing lately!

so excited!

- jillian

all you need to be productive

2011-11-10T15:54:00.001-06:00

so...you know the feeling when you've just worked, like actually really worked all day long - and all of a sudden its the end of the day and you realize that you're (i almost dont want to say it) CAUGHT UP??? ok, not totally caught up...but not like pulling out my hair and stressed out.
i'll take it ;)

i just hope this productiveness can keep going...
i got lots of stuff still to get done.
(like figure out what i'm gonna teach on sunday...:/ nbd)

i contribute at least some of my productiveness to the spotify playlist i've got going (royal tailor - LOVE, for king and country - also love, bon jovi, snow patrol (reminds me of school), hillsong, jack johnson, and anthem lights.) and also the leftover buffalo flatbread i had for lunch from our (now) weekly trip to malone's last night, and probably my frozen hands...keeps me awake ;)

all of that makes for a pretty good day :) haha...
that - and the fact that i've got ALIVE tonight and we've got stuff to work on...:)
and its almost time to leave work...
its getting real dark outside...
and i keep hearing how cold it is...
hmmm...
i may have to get brave and figure out the skyway system soon...

ok - i leave you with this song...
because its real good.

happy thursday!

- jillian

random thoughts

2011-11-08T22:53:00.003-06:00

a little randomness...i havent posted in a little while and i have lots of just random little things to throw out there...
so........here.

the other day on Air 1 they informed us that people have been having a child with chicken pox lick a sucker...mail it...and then other children who HAVEN'T had chicken pox are licking them...
so they made sure to tell us - there are in fact better ways to become immune to chicken pox then licking a used lollipop you've received in the mail. (they repeated that info twice...because the laughing djs requested it...just to make sure we ALL were clear).
sometimes i just don't understand...

i went to meet a friend at Burger Moe's in St. Paul last night after work...really good food, and it was also $5 burger night! haha we didnt even know...so that was nice. highly recommend it.

i had to drive to work today...to the new building. i was a little nervous...haha but i had directions. and somehow - i got there. the ramp, though? a little crazy. so small, so many turns, such small spots...and i went up for so long. and then got to the elevators...sketchy. just making weird noises and weird movements and taking SO long. haha...somehow i made it to work. nbd.

and then even more amazingly - i made it home.
i say amazing because we were out to dinner (one of the carriers took us out...sooo good, and really fancy place) and i realized that i hadn't looked up directions at all. :/ maybe not super smart. so my manager helped explain a little...haha but it was mostly a guessing game.

i also had calamari for an appetizer...weird. just a little too..........squid-like for me.
but the rest of the food was awesome. one of the perks of being a "grown-up" i guess. ;)
and as the rest of the table was talking about how terrifying the movie "Children of the Corn" was for them as kids - and how corn fields and Amish ppl are scary now...
i said - no, i never saw the movie, but i did watch a Goosebumps episode where a girl got lost in the corn and almost killed. (and only ONE of the 8 even kind of knew what i was talking about when i mentioned Goosebumps)

ive had a script in the making for a few weeks now...and i finally got to sit down tonight and actually type it out. not sure what its for...but i'm kind of excited about it :) it mixes drama and art. love it.

this past week for my Platforms class i talked about Storytelling (movies, dramas, skits, etc). and i did some research on Sherwood Baptist Church that made Fireproof and Courageous. they're just a church. and one guy said "i want to make movies - but no church will let me do that and be on staff". so the pastor said - i will. bring me a script and a budget and we'll see where God takes it. enough said.
and i was looking at other movies...just secular movies that God has used to speak to me in really big ways... and those are secular movies. made by humans for humans.
imagine if that medium was used to make things by the Holy Spirit - for His glory. to reach out to people, to influence - toward God??? its a dream...we'll see where God takes it. One of the reasons Jesus told parables is because the people could relate to it. they were familiar with stories, not teaching. so Jesus told a story. and if they wanted to learn - they did.
people are going to movies, to shows......what are they being told? and if they want to learn - what are they learning?

we found a place right by my work where, on mondays you can get a lot of Thai food for $3. haha
its the little things. :)

im excited about some things we're working on with ALIVE. im praying that God will show me some more people with creative gifts...

i found out this past week that our amazing PI has accepted a job in FL...and lots of mixed emotions are happening - BUT im really just so so so excited for them. its a dream job, it really is. and actually - i feel encouraged - hearing their story, how the Holy Spirit speaks and just makes His calling so clear. and also - knowing that God does have a perfect plan...and He doesn't give us the hearts we have or the dreams we have for no reason. He's got a plan. and we just need to trust Him. i'm excited for what He's going to do...

i'm not sure how its only wednesday tomorrow...but it is.
here we go!
praying your day is blessed!!!

- jillian

letting go

2011-11-03T23:11:00.000-05:00

this past wednesday night...

youth group time.

we had some AWESOME teaching...

i'll prb be posting about that soon too,

but after teaching time we went down to the worship center

where it was pretty dark

and there was a cross up onstage w/nails in it.

there were pieces of paper and markers everywhere.

and while the music played

and God showed up

and we just were in His presence,

we watched a video...

and then there was an invitation to come forward,

grab a piece of paper,

and just write down the things that weigh us down

the things we're ashamed of

the things we feel guilty for

the things that we just worry about

and try to make work and figure out...

write them all down.

walk the piece of paper to the cross

and stick it to a nail.

leaving it there.

giving it to God.

letting Him take it...once and for all.

so many of the students came forward.

it. was. POWERFUL.

thats a lot of burden hanging on this cross...

a lot of freedom happening for all those who put stuff on there and left it there.

and really - i love seeing all those papers on the cross because it BREAKS my heart to know that so many are carrying these things around.

we're not supposed to be burdened by shame or guilt or worry...

Jesus died so that we could leave all that stuff on the cross.

so He could take it all from us.

WE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE CARRYING THESE HEAVY BURDENS!!!

we were set free!

in Galatians - it says

that we have been set free so "don't submit again to a yoke of slavery"

we're free! so don't go back to your handcuffs, don't go back to the place where you are controlled and suffering and oppressed.

don't do it!

even if it seems easier,

even if it seems more comfortable.

its SLAVERY.

and we've been set free.

so figure out what that burden is that is weighing you down and keeping you from living free.

acknowledge it.

grab hold of it.

and let it go.

i pray that over all of us...that we will have the courage and strength to really let go

and just rest in trusting God with everything.

- jillian

twisted

2011-11-02T23:09:00.000-05:00

so, i read something that i thought was really interesting the other day while i was working on my Platforms class, reading some different quotes about movie-making and things like that.

and i read a quote from the author of The Exorcist

(which i haven't read, and i haven't seen the movie...but i for sure have heard of it and i'm sure most people have).

and all it has ever been to me is a terrifying movie about a girl who is possessed by a demon.

i don't like scary movies even one tiny little bit.

i ESPECIALLY don't like horror, gory movies.

but more than any of them, i don't like movies that are about demons/ using demons to entertain.

it seems like playing with fire, like its just daring satan to try to get to me.

so i've always avoided the Exorcist.

but i read this quote from the author...

"while I was working on The Exorcist, what I thought I was writing was a novel of faith in the popular dress of a thrilling and suspenseful detective story—in other words, a sermon that no one could possibly sleep through—and to this day I haven't the faintest recollection of any intention to frighten the reader, which many will take, I suppose, as an admission of failure on an almost stupefying scale. But it's true! … Every [Halloween] I put out the pumpkin with the cutout eyes and nose and face, and the basket full of Snickers and Mars bars beside it; but I do keep wishing—oh, ever so wistfully and—let's face it, hopelessly—that The Exorcist be remembered at this time of the year for being not about shivers but rather about souls, for then it would indeed be in the real and true spirit of Halloween, which is short for the eve of All Hallows or All Saints Day."   —The Exorcist author William Peter Blatty.
This October marks the 40th anniversary of his book's publication. And about his inspiration for it, Blatty says, "When I first heard, in 1949, of an actual case of demonic possession and an exorcism going on nearby while I was a junior at Georgetown University, I remember thinking, 'Someday, somebody's got to write about this, because if an investigation were to prove that possession is real, what a help it would be to the struggling faith of possibly millions, for if there were demons, I reasoned, then why not angels? Why not God?'"[foxnews.com, 10/28/11]

interesting...huh?

i'm not going to go watch the movie or anything...but so interesting how an idea can come from good intentions, from the idea that if satan is real - God MUST be real, and so this story should be told...

and how satan can twist it.

most don't leave that movie/book saying "wow, God must be real. God is the one i want to follow, so im changing how i live now because i don't want to end up in that darkness"

maybe some do...i PRAY they do.

i pray that these crazy dark, scary movies spur on good things somehow...

but most leave with an adrenaline rush because they were scared for a little while and it was fun and now they are busy convincing themselves it was just a movie, a cool story - so glad its not real.

so glad its not actually affecting them.

satan can twist things so easily.

what William Blatty thought of as a "sermon you couldn't sleep through" that would drive you STRAIGHT into God's arms, as far away from satan as you could get, convincing you that God is real - satan has distracted and made it just a fun way to be freaked out a little.

does he do that in other ways in our lives?

things that should drive us deeper into the bible, things that should make us fix our eyes on God so that we don't stumble, things that should make us run in the other direction...

do we allow satan to sugar coat them so that we don't feel as bad giving in...even just for a little bit?

its not something to give us warm fuzzy feelings...

but something i've been thinking about lately.

satan loves to justify our actions...and sometimes, we love to let him.

But God has bigger plans.

He's got things for us to do, eternity to impact...and in order to be a part of His work, we have to be living according to Him.

otherwise it doesnt work.

and satan wants it to not work.

so we really need to stop letting him have a say. like Robert California said - who says that fear gets to have a say in what we do?
well, who says satan gets to affect what we do?
we need to see him for what he's doing, realize that he's real and he has the ability to get to us.......and because he's real - we need to run in the opposite direction.

right into God's arms.

...it is through this craving that some have been led astray and have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves through with many [mental] pangs. But as for you, O man of God, flee from all these things; aim at and pursue righteousness (right standing with God and true goodness), godliness (which is the loving fear of God and being Christlike), faith, love, steadfastness (patience), and gentleness of heart. Fight the good fight of the faith; lay hold of the eternal life to which you were summoned and [for which] you confessed the good confession [of faith] before many witnesses.
1 Timothy 6: 10-12 (amplified)

“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a dedicated nation, [God's] own purchased, special people, that you may set forth the wonderful deeds and display the virtues and perfections of Him Who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.” 1 Peter 2:9 AMP

we had some really great time with the youth group tonight...God showed up and it was so good to just spend time in His presence, getting realigned with His heart for us.

i'll post about that tomorrow.

but my prayer is that we can just all go to God...all the time.

be blessed!

- jillian

created to create :)

2011-10-31T20:30:00.000-05:00

oh halloween...

i must say i'm not a fan of the whole reason behind Halloween,

but a day when its acceptable to wear crazy costumes and eat lots of candy?

well...im ok with that.

i helped with Edinbrook's Harvest Fest for the kids,

me and 4 other lovely ladies who i appreciate so much ran the face paint table.

i came right from work and didn't have a costume...

so they made me a cat.

i feel like maybe i should make it an every day thing...;)

kind of a lame costume...

but its fine.

we had so much fun face painting! :)

lots of butterflies and snakes and sparkles...

and one girl who tested my artistic ability when she asked for a horse.

and then kept looking in the mirror...checking on the progress.

don't worry - i'm a professional. haha

and luckily Brittany brought her amazing paints and brushes...

so fun to be able to do some really cool things.

love it.

and it was so fun seeing all the great costumes.

its so cool how many different ways we can be creative :)

but its so fun.

and i always feel so blessed when i get to be creative and bless other people with it.

God just really does know what He's doing...

something i heard someone say about being a christian artist the other day i really loved...

he said

"so much christian art is about getting a message across. it makes a point.

really what art should be about as christians is showing the world 'this is how i see the world, because I know God. this is how i know God'."

and i really love that.

what a way to show people the difference between a life with God and a life without God.

the peace and strength and joy and intense wonder we know as followers of Jesus should be reflected in the things we create.

and that will reveal God to the world.

all artists create what they see or know or feel...

so if we, as christians, create out of our response to God -

people will see a difference.

they will see that God is real and is influencing.

that God is beautiful and incredible.

that there is no end to the different aspects of God's character and ways to experience Him.

and they'll want to know more.

so if you're an artist in any way -

think about that next time you're creating.

what does life with God look like?

when you close your eyes and come into His presence...what do you see? feel?

share that with the world.

people want to know He's real.

- jillian

words from Robert California

2011-10-31T07:30:00.000-05:00

"fear plays an interesting role in our lives. how dare we let it motivate us, how dare we let it into our decision-making, into our livliehoods, into our relationships. its funny, isnt it? we take a day out of the year to get dressed up and take a day out of the year to celebrate fear."

i dont know if you ever watch The Office...

but its kind of a random show. usually funny, but very random.

they have this new character on the show - he's the new CEO and his name is Robert California.

quite possibly the oddest character on the show...

and that's saying a lot.

haha

anyways...

this week was the Halloween episode.

and throughout the show Robert California was going to each character in different ways - figuring out what each person's biggest fear is.

weird?

yes.

but its The Office.

so you don't really notice it until the end...

when he tells a story to everyone in the office...somehow incorporating everyone's fears.

from dying alone to mummies to getting lost in imaginary worlds to drifting apart from your spouse to coworkers, etc.......

til everyone in the office was affected.

then he finishes the story...

and walks out.

and then goes on to say the quote from the beginning of this post.

interesting, huh?

i was listening and i thought - "huh...that was kind of profound"

haha

but really - its interesting to think about.

why DO we let fear play a role in our lives?

i mean - its good to have a healthy fear of God, respecting Him enough to follow Him.

but pointless fear? fear that we allow in? fear we dwell on and causes us to doubt? being afraid for fun?

Jesus died so we could be free of that fear.

As Christians we're called to some crazy things that, if we have fear other than a fear of God in us, we may not go through with. and could miss something God has for us.

so i like what Robert California says...

how dare we allow fear to play a role in our lives?

who says we have to listen to fear?

and why do we make time to be entertained by it and celebrate it?

we're free of it.

"perfect love casts out fear."

"Be strong, be courageous...be not afraid"

"you've been set free, do not submit again to a yoke of slavery"

God doesn't say these things to fill up space.

maybe He says it because He knows that its so easy to let fear in...because He knows its a way satan will try to get to us.

and maybe He doesn't want us to get into a mindset that fear is a given...

that fear is entertainment...

that fear is harmless.

we're FREE.

so why do we put ourselves back into a yoke of slavery?

- jillian

football, a concert and paul bunyan

2011-10-30T00:52:00.000-05:00

a saturday in pictures...

road trip to st cloud to watch the big st cloud vs. UMD game

st cloud won...35-7.

but fun to watch them win!

even though it was a LITTLE cold.

its still football, and i had hot chocolate :)

then off to Applebees for more appetizers than should ever be on one table at one time...

and hearing jared talk about his great beard and say things like "look, i can bite my mustache".

disturbing?

only slightly...

luckily he looks cool doing it...

some chill time with the fam...

then a trip to Savers for some costume final touches...

SO MUCH halloween stuff.

and so many REALLY great vests...

then, after dropping off jared -

the ladies went to see Rebecca St. James & For King & Country (who just happen to be two of Rebecca's brothers) in concert.

Rebecca shared her great story about how she waited for her husband, waited for so long and struggled so much and just this past Easter - she got married :) and she's so cute and so happy - and in her 30's.

and she just said - it was so worth it. she wouldn't trade any of it for anything.

so cool to hear her heart.

then For King & Country played...

i've just recently heard them on the radio and really like them so i was excited to hear they were playing too. and if you're wondering "are they good, quality guys who really love Jesus?" well let me tell you......

these guys have HEARTS FOR JESUS. they shared a lot and it was really cool to hear.

they talked about how girls should be treasured and cared for and that we were all bought with a price...

we were worth a LOT to God - so we should live like it.

live like we know what we're worth.

they talked and shared a lot...

it was very encouraging, very cool to hear.

i had no idea what to expect...haha but it was a cool time.

then we stopped back by jared's apartment...

to see him look like this.

if you can't tell...he's paul bunyan.

and i wish i could tell you that beard was grown JUST for this costume and will be gone after this weekend...but no such luck.

and really - who is Paul without Babe the Blue Ox?

then we drove back home...where i now sit.

working on my class for tomorrow

so ready to go to sleep.

and that is how i spend a fall saturday.

- jillian

Trout Lake, some Truth, Brian Sumner and idols

2011-10-25T20:48:00.000-05:00

so...

this past weekend i went to Trout Lake Camp with the high schoolers from my church.

i really love this camp and the beautiful lake, being up north, away from my computer and work and just normal life in general.

its a really nice break.

(even if we didnt have a cabin with a bathroom in it... ;) )

i have a lot of good memories of Trout Lake and so its fun that i still get to go back every now and then.

this weekend bensonwells led us in some AWESOME worship times.

loved it.

and Brian Sumner, pro skateboarder with a legit English/Scottish accent,

spoke some

INTENSE

truth to us this weekend.

like for real...

i've heard a lot of speakers - but this was legit.

he talked about a lot of hard things...but things that need to be said and not backed away from.

one of my favorite things he talked about was our idols.

the things that trump God in our lives.

like - given a choice between time with God and catching up on the show you missed?

and the show wins...

or having to choose between going after a relationship you want...but you know God doesn't want for you...and going through with the relationship.

or like when you feel like you just really need some good worship music playing...

but you turn it to the station playing the music that's "not that bad" but fun to listen to.

things like that...

and i've heard lots of people talk about idols. LOTS. but this weekend God showed it to me in a different way........

satan was cast out of heaven because he wanted the glory.

all satan wants is for us to choose him over God.

he's prideful - he'll do ANYTHING to us to rob God of that glory.

and because of that - he has infiltrated the world. he's all over the place.

and he's convinced a lot of people that they don't need God.

we can get in our heads that God wants to give us this obscure, random "spirituality" or "peace".

so we're hesitant to ask for it or surrender anything for "it"...

because really - we've got our lives working for us...right?

we've got ways to get what we're longing for...

affection? the opposite sex is there for that...most of the time.

peace? empty your mind and tolerate everything...should work, right?

love? trial and error, do what feels good...you'll figure it out eventually.

success? plan, work, study, plan some more...done.

strength? just suck it up, be independent, get what's yours...no one can touch you, right?

help? "spirituality"? eternity? well...God can help with that.

except...God wants to show us affection, an affection that only the one who created us can show.

He wants to give us peace, but a peace that surpasses all understanding.

He loves us in a way no one else ever could, sacrificing His son so we could live.

He can give us success, but not just a good job with good pay...He has a perfect plan for our lives that He wants to experience with us.

and He doesn't just make us tough, He gives us strength that never fades...

God doesn't want to give us things we don't want so that He can be happy...

He's not giving us things we don't want...

He wants to give us the very things we long soooo deeply for that nothing in this world can seem to satisfy...

only He wants to give us the BEST possible version of them.

when we try to get them on our own, we rob God of the ability to reveal Himself to us.

we miss out.

so what i learned and what i see in a new way now...

is that me not putting God first isn't just a missed quiet time.

its me loving myself more than God.

its me giving satan what he wants instead of me giving God what He wants.

and that...that is not ok with me.

most of the time its not the thing we're doing that is the sin...but that we're willing to look away from God to take part in it.

He tells us to keep our eyes fixed on Him...

because only He can give us what we really need to really live.

and that was just one session...

good stuff.

i LOVE that the Holy Spirit is ALWAYS speaking new things!!!

it was such a blessing to be at Trout, hanging out with the amazing youth group and just laughing and learning and having fun...

love it.

not to mention the weather was GORGEOUS.

love walking around the lake...sitting by the lake...watching the sunrise over the lake...

and even though i felt so old and sore and my feet hurt so much...haha

i still just love Trout so much.

and.......back to the craziness of the week!

bye friends :)

- jillian

the new office world

2011-10-19T21:49:00.001-05:00

its been 3 days in the new office :)

3 days on the bus...

even one day by myself on the bus - both ways...

and i'm still alive.

i even made it everywhere on time.

crazy.

but i just wanted to share a FEW pictures...

all cell phone pics, so not super great -

but just a little glimpse of the super glamorous life of a girl who rides the bus every day

to her cubicle in the middle of downtown.

let me tell you...its pretty exciting stuff.

here's my bus stop....don't let that H fool you.

it does not mean that only H buses are going to pick up there.

and here's my building.

the 701 building.

count 16 stories up...thats where i sit.

i ride the elevators....

and my ears pop every time.

hopefully i'll get used to that.

this is our elevator area............the crossgrain wood is growing on me.

i'm kind of a fan.

and...............here's the view.

i can spy on A LOT of people.

so weird.

its nice...

i mean - aside from the fact that we can't really scan, print or fax yet.

its going great. ;)

it looks so good and its fun to be in a new place.

now i just have to get organized...

should be easy - right?

haha

i'll get there.

i also need to bring Nate back in.

remember Nate?

i couldn't bring myself to throw him away when we left...

but i didnt want to bring him all the way to my car because we were all going out for a happy hour.

so what is a person to do?

well...

put him in your purse. :)

haha

and pray he doesn't spill.

which he didn't.

and he made it home in one piece.

so i might have to be that person that you sit next to on the bus...

and realize that there is a plant in their purse.

and then its awkward...

and you would prb secretly take a picture and send it to your friend and say

"what???"

yeah............but its ok.

its worth it.

and that is my office life.

welcome.

i'm telling you - its glamorous stuff.

- jillian

a highlight

2011-10-17T19:24:00.001-05:00

today i woke up earlier than normal.

i took the bus to work for the first time.

i had my first day at a new building.

i set up my new cubicle.

i enjoyed my new view.

i took the bus home...by myself...for the first time.

i even got home in one piece.

all of that...

and i am going to share this picture.

this is how jordan sits at the dinner table.

she just breaks chairs.

of course we were very sympathetic and rushed to help her and make sure she was ok...

but she said, "no...i'm fine. i just wanted to break this chair."

gotta love family dinners.

- jillian

not a question

2011-10-16T23:32:00.001-05:00

so this weekend a couple friends and i took a field trip to a church in Columbia Heights.

one of the members of a worship team at church leads the worship for the saturday night outreach service at this church...

Oak Hills Baptist Church.

so we decided to go and check it out.

and it was awesome.

the music and the message were really great.

and it was fun to meet some new people, hang out in a new place and just support this ministry.

but we sang a song that i recognized but haven't heard in a long time.

its called You'll Come. (by Hillsong)

and it just uses some words from a verse -

as certain as the dawn appears, as certain as Your Word endures.

and then goes on to say -

You'll come.

Let Your glory fall

as you respond to us.

Spirit rain,

flood into our thirsty hearts again.

You'll come.

and i just loved the line - You'll come.

its not a question, its not a pleading...

its a statement.

a fact.

You'll come.

and during that song i just felt God filling me with all these statements.

like -

I am working.

I do have a plan for your life.

I have not forgotten about you.

I did make you exactly the way you are for a reason.

and sometimes we just assume that we believe those things.

we just take them for granted.

but apparently what i needed- that i didnt realize- was to hear them.

was to hear clearly and obviously -

that as certain as the dawn appears, He is working intentionally.

we can continue to ask Him to work -

but we do need to remember that we're not just asking blindly.

He's at work.

He's got a plan.

He hasn't forgotten.

He's God.

and He will show up.

so enjoy the song.

just listen to the words...

and if you need the reminder like i did -

God did make you the way you are for a reason.

He has not forgotten about you or pushed you aside for now.

He does love you.

He is working.

‎...My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for He will pluck my feet out of the net.
Psalms 25:15

- jillian