because we just can't do it...

Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water, and he came toward Jesus.  But when he perceived and felt the strong wind, he was frightened, and as he began to sink, he cried out, Lord, save me [from death]!  Instantly Jesus reached out His hand and caught and held him, saying to him, O you of little faith, why did you doubt?
from Matthew 14

do you ever feel like God is calling you to things you don't understand?

like things can get SO challenging that you start to lose focus on God

and just do what you can to get by -

to not let Him down?

its an easy place to fall to...

but not where i believe God wants us.

anyone else get a picture of our dear Peter?

walking on the water?

ready and willing to take on WHATEVER Jesus asked of him...
took the big step...

but in the moment, lost focus.

paid more attention on what he was doing than who was calling him to do it.

it didn't end the way Peter planned.

but Jesus picked him up,

got him out of the water and back in the boat.

i think sometimes we get in this mindset that we are being called to do these great things -
and we take these crazy steps -
and then brace ourselves and get to work,
trying to prove that we didn't make a mistake.
prove that we CAN do it.
we don't want to let God down, after all?
what if we fall in like Peter did?

but here's the thing...
Jesus KNEW that Peter didn't have the ability to walk on water by himself.
He never expected Peter to be able to handle it.
He told Peter to come, knowing full well what he was capable of...
and what HE (Jesus) was capable of.
Peter didn't disappoint Jesus because he couldn't do it on his own and needed help.
Jesus doesn't scold him for being clumsy.

He just asks -
"why did you doubt?"
after ALL he had seen with Jesus - he FORGOT who Jesus was.
and he got off track.

God is FULLY aware of what we are capable of.
we cannot surprise Him,
He does not depend on our success apart from Him.
He calls us knowing that we cannot do what He's calling us to without Him.
He's aware.
yes, its humbling...
but whether we like it or not -
its not going to work w/out Him.
we will get tired,
we will fail,
we will miss things,
we will allow our humanness to show now and then.
and in the times when we reach the absolute end of US -
when we remember that the only reason we're on the water at all and not at the bottom of the ocean, is because we're looking to Jesus,
we need to make sure that we've got Him within reach.

we can never and will never do ENOUGH on our own power to make God say
"oh, well - its not exactly what i planned, but that'll work.  nice job.  you didn't even need me!"
He doesn't WANT us to just try harder...
He wants us to trust Him to do what He needs to do.

so lets remember that He called us.
that He has the plan.
that He knows who we are and what we're capable of.
that nothing is bigger or stronger than He is.
and that He loves us.

if we are doing it on our own ability - we should be terrified -
its not always a cute little duck pond we're chillin in.
sometimes its a straight up stormy, hurricane-like sea -
but if we've got our eyes on Christ,
if we're allowing Him to do the work,
if we're constantly in His word, seeking Him, leaning on HIS way -
then bring on whatever storm might come.
because a storm doesn't stop Jesus.
it doesn't even keep Him in the boat -
He just walks all over it.
i pray that we can remember that we have no reason to doubt Him.
that we will be bold enough to respond to His call,
and have faith enough to trust Him to do the work.

be blessed friends!

- jillian

all i can say...

sooooo tired.

this weather - i LOVE when i get to curl up and watch movies or read a book.

not when i have to wake up early,

put my hair up so it doesn't get all crazy when it gets the slightest bit wet,

walk to the bus in the pouring rain,

"gracefully" close the wet umbrella while sliding my card on the bus and not getting wet,

ride the longest bus ride EVER in a humid bus due to traffic,

walk to my office in the rain,

and today of ALL days -

have a fire drill at work.

and in case you're picturing a really chill -whatever - kind of fire drill?

we don't know when it is,

we have walk all the way down SIXTEEN flights of stairs,

go OUTSIDE and cross the street to stand on the gov't center lawn (grass),

and wait until we're told to come back in.

at which time - we will wait for one of the elevators to come and take us BACK to the 16th floor

(ps remember that scene in Elf when he hits all the buttons on the elevator?  that's kind of what its like to work on the 16th floor. :) )

i realize this post might sound a little negative...

its not.

:)

ok - maybe it is, but i'm about to drink my coffee for the day

and start my music up

and get this day started!

i was listening to the new Lecrae cd on my way in this morning -

and i'll have to share some lyrics from him on another day.

they gave me some moments of lucidity...haha

some of its harsh - but its real.

the last few days have been what i call "angry music" days.

i feel like by listening to it, my anxious/ frustrated/ stressed energy goes toward the music...not toward life.

haha

but maybe today i'll go back to "happy music" which mostly consists of  Hillsong, Jimmy Needham and Matt Redman for the moment.

although my Vico C and Lecrae list is good for waking up...

one more little random negative thing (i know, glad i'm sneaking it in, right?  ;) )

that i dislike when i'm sleepy -

is that i have 80 different websites to get into...

all with passwords that started out the same,

but the websites keep making me change them at different intervals -

and in an attempt to KIND of be able to remember,

they are variations of the same...

but the trick is remembering WHICH one goes with WHICH website -

before it locks me out.

bet you don't play fun games like that at YOUR work ;)

all right - enjoy your day!

and for everyone who CAN curl up in a blanket and watch movies -

please do.

and think of me.

and pray i'm awake :)

- jillian

He never stops

its amazing how God never stops showing up,

never stops teaching,

never stops working to keep you on the right path...

i don't know if its because i'm a
"creative type" -

or if it happens to everyone,

but one of my absolute favorite things is that moment when

you're reading a book and a passage spurs an unexpected train of thought,

or listening to a song and that one lyric just floors you,

or taking a walk and ideas just start to form,

and all of a sudden that inspiration hits -

the inspiration that you know can only come from God.

and its so exciting,

and comforting,

and overwhelming...

and i love it.

it makes me want to CREATE,

to get to know God MORE,
to keep learning and growing.

but lately -

my mind has been busy.

very very busy.

so i haven't had a lot of chances to just sit and be creative.
and when it does come - i haven't taken time to just let it all sink in.
to really HEAR what He's doing.

:)

however...

its so so so great how that doesn't stop God.

He is on His OWN timeline.

and despite my lack of going out of my way to seek out that inspiration and time to be creative with God...

He still provides.

latest favorite inspirations?

- the Explicit Gospel by Matt Chandler

an awesome reminder to see God for how GREAT He is

and just always good to be reminded of what it means that Jesus died for us.

what it means to be SAVED.

- Lecrae's new album (free!), Church Clothes

love it.  the lyrics are just so good.

so go get it.

- My Foolish Heart by Susan May Warren
her books are all SUCH girl books - which i don't always love...
but with her?  God speaks to me so deeply every single time,
so i just have to keep reading them...
and this one was no exception.
just one of the many ways God is teaching me about getting past FEAR.

- God is Good Open Mic/ Friday Night Live Open Mic nights

if you are creative at all - you would LOVE these.

spoken word, rap, music, dance, testimony - amazing stuff.

and its all SOOO worshipful!

and lately in ALIVE we've been talking about putting together a worship night,

all different people, all different art - just to worship our amazing God.

and these nights have not only been incredible times with God for me,

but have also been huge inspirations for what we are planning for ALIVE.

God just KNOWS!!!  its amazing.

- the Word of God + the Holy Spirit - ALWAYS seems to inspire more than i even know what to do with...
lately its been 2 Corinthians...

v. 21-22 it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

and Jeremiah...

in chapter one -

God spoke to me a lot on sunday through the sermon,

just thinking about what it means to have God fighting for you.

preparing you,

building you up,

leading you...

its pretty freaking incredible.

that NOTHING can stand in His way.

and all we need to do is follow Him,

allow Him to move,

and have the faith to not hold back.

AMAZING.

and so humbling.

that its really nothing we do...

its ALL Him.

and i'm so excited to see what else He has to show us!

and not just art -

but ideas,

and ministries,

and evangelism,

and EVERYTHING else He does.

it just never ceases to surprise...

:)

so be ready.

- jillian

confession...

confession -
before i knew Christ i had this deep, suffocating desire to have people believe that i had everything together.
i might be the only one who deals with this or maybe there are others who feel the same way...
weakness?  flaws?  not an option.
and ever since i've known Him - He's been working on digging this out of me.
but it makes its way back in every now and again...
and its ugly.
its consuming.
and it leads me to a place where i would rather protect that appearance than risk breaking it by allowing God to move.
i don't know where it comes from - probably because i'm human.
maybe because we're living amongst creation that has not yet been fully restored
but regardless of where it comes from -
the fact is that i cant seem to get rid of this incredible discomfort with revealing my weakness, once and for all.
Paul says he BOASTS in his weakness, he LOVES that people are so aware of his failures.
i can't say i always feel that way.
i have this need for you to perceive me as strong.
this need for you to believe that i am capable of getting things done.
Paul boasted in his weakness.
because Paul did the things he was good at for a long time...
and instead of pointing people toward life, he took it.
but in his weakness - God was able to make Himself known.
so in this driving desire - i fear that i might succeed.
succeed in claiming all the attention
and never allowing God to truly do ALLLL that He wants to in my life...
because i've got it so controlled.
so i'm praying that He helps me be able to say -
i don't need you to be impressed by me.
but instead - that you might be able to see HIM working in me -
that you can see Him leading me...
even if its into something i have no idea how to do,
even if you can see that i have flaws,
if everyone can see me fail.
even if you look at me with something less than awe.
i need to suck it up and be willing to let go of this need to appear perfect.
especially when its not even real.
i need Him to lead me.
because if He doesnt -
i will do good things.
i will be so nice to everyone when i can,
i might even impact a lot of people
and start a movement.
i might be very talented and
you might be so impressed with me.
but if all you can see is me -
then you have no hope.
because i can't save you.
i can't even save myself.
only God's grace can do that.
so yeah, it would feel so good to be loved for my own accomplishments,
because people's praise is like a drug -
but its not enough.
in the end - its not enough that i feel good if i'm pulling eyes off of Christ.
in the end - we all just need to know God.
in the end - He is all there is,
He is our hope, our light, our incredible FREEDOM.
and who am i to command all the attention and praise?
when He is the only one who deserves it.
He is the only one who saves.
so just IN CASE i'm not the only one who has ever had to or will ever have to deal with this...
i pray that we can ALL overcome any fear in revealing our weaknesses or our flaws.
any fear in stepping out into something God is calling us to - even if its out of our comfort zone.
and instead - allow God to truly move,
allow people to see that we just might be less than perfect...
so that God's strengths can be displayed and seen clearly!
we don't always understand what He's doing...
but He will never leave us alone.
so even when its scary - He's there.  and we are not here to look good... :)
we're here to display God's glory.
so lets do it...

- jillian

regardless...

...the Scriptures give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God’s promises to be fulfilled.  May God, who gives this patience and encouragement, help you live in complete harmony with each other, as is fitting for followers of Christ Jesus.  Then all of you can join together with one voice, giving praise and glory to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Romans 15: 4-6

i've been spending a lot of time in prayer lately.

for a whole NUMBER of things and reasons.

most, unfortunately, have been hard things.

but in reading the Explicit Gospel - 

God has given me a renewed sense of how 

GREAT He is.

and how His plan - 

is not about me.

its about Him.

its about His Son.

its about restoring the brokenness we live in.

so regardless of what i'm going through...

regardless of how i feel,

or how drained i am,

or how much my pride flares up,

or how much i don't understand - 

it doesn't matter.

sure - God says "bring it to me, i'll take it"

but He also says that whatever we're going through - is just a momentary affliction.
He's looking at eternity.

He's looking at the restoration for us ALL.

basically - 

i need to stop focusing on me.

i need to pray that i can get past what's happening in the moment.

i need to pray that God gives me a heart for Him,

for His Word,

and for His people - 

that we can live in harmony and encouragement and openness with each other,

reflecting HIS LOVE,

HIS HEART,

HIS PASSION.

so that people see

HIM.

so they can be restored.

and so we can all bring glory to Him through our praise.

:)

- jillian

weakness

weakness.

we all have one - 

or maybe more.

we all have that thing in our lives that we avoid doing,

or that we struggle with so much,

or that we are painfully aware of how - no matter how hard we try, we just never seem to do well...

whatever that thing/ those things are...

its fine if we can ignore them,

if we can brush them off with - 

"eh, not my gift"

then its ok.

no worries, right?

i mean, not everyone is good at everything...

but then there are those moments

that present themselves - 

when you find yourself needing to do something.

needing to make that speech...

or having to lead that group...

or being the one to talk to that person...

when you are completely and thoroughly aware of how INADEQUATE you are for that moment.

of how MUCH you really have no idea what you're doing.

of how many people would be better at it than YOU.

sometimes it lasts a day,

sometimes it lasts weeks.

sometimes its one thing at a time,

sometimes you have to do 5 different things that push you way out of your comfort zone all at once.

and sometimes it gets to the point - 

when you just feel like everyone is just disappointed in you.

when you just want to know WHY.

WHY is everything you feel called to do SO DIFFICULT???

why doesn't God call you to something NICE?

or easy?

or fun?

something that makes YOU look good?

oh.

because its not about you.

because in order for people to see GOD's strength in our weakness...

they need to see our weakness.

and its painful,

its incredibly humbling,

and it is a CONSTANT challenge - 

sometimes tiring,

or can be exhausting,

or just straight up defeating.

and you're pride wants to win.

your pride wants YOU to look good.

your pride wants to do something WE can do well...

so people can see.

but oh yeah...

thats right.

its not about you.

its about God.

and about people seeing HIM.

seeing HIS glory.

its about people realizing that God is real and moving and bigger than anything we can truly understand.

its about what HE can do.

its about HIS plan.

and yes, we may need to be uncomfortable.

we may need to be challenged.

but its ALL for Him.

and He has promised to come through - every. time.

and because He promised, 

He will come through.

every. time.

so don't try to hide your weakness.

don't rush through it - 

as awkward as it may be.
don't be afraid to let people see what you can't do.

let Him do what He needs to do.

don't rob Him of His glory.

Three different times I begged the Lord to take [the thorn in my flesh] away.  Each time he said, 

“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.”  So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.  That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. 

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 corinthians 12: 8-10

- jillian

so much.....

Good morning friends :)

I have not posted for awhile…as you may have noticed.

And mostly – its because its been a crazy week.

I know I say that a lot…but I am not using that word lightly.

I’m truly using that word crazy to describe the week, in every sense of the word.

Do you ever have those days that just wear you out?

Like physically, emotionally, spiritually drained?

But in a good way – like you know that you’re exhausted because a lot has been accomplished…

because God is just doing so much...

that has been this week.

so its not that I have not had anything to post on…

I could post for WEEKS on all that I’m learning right now.

I just need a little time to sort it all out…….

So as a quick recap/ preview of what I WILL be posting about –

1) Trying to discipline myself to be PROACTIVE. Not always reactive.

2) As of last week – I am officially going to Jamaica in August with the sr. high youth group…super excited. 3) Practicing discipline in how I spend my money… (NOT easy)

4) Lots of meetings…and emails…and intense PRAYER about the emails and meetings

5) Learning that sometimes, in order for God to show up in our weaknesses so He can be glorified – He has to make those weaknesses VERY obvious.

6) Read a new book from an author I love…but her books NEVER FAIL to speak right to my heart and God NEVER FAILS to show up and point out exactly how I can identify with what she’s saying… needless to say – I’m sorting that out :)

7) Still reading the Explicit Gospel – learning to see GOD for how GREAT He is…and not focusing on how He fits into my life and affects MY life. but how I fit into HIS plan.

8) Finally saw the Avengers… Amazing. I wouldn’t be against seeing it again…so all you people who laughed at me for wanting to see it that may want to now – let me know ;)

9) My cousin had her cute little baby :) we went to visit and somehow (who saw THIS coming?) I was the only one in the room who knew how to swaddle a baby…?

10) trying to be disciplined and sit down and spend time writing/planning creativeness……

this week is not any less crazy… :)

and I’m thoroughly inadequate for all of it…

but as long as God’s the one guiding me through it – we’ve got this!

and one more thing -

2 corinthians 1 has some great words for us today that I wanted to share……

…no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ.

And so through Him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God.

Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ.

He anointed us,

set his seal of ownership on us,

and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

I’ll take that. :)

be blessed friends!

- jillian